#and it takes me FOREVER to write shit thats supposed to be easy
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Rant
i have been stressed, overwhelmed and always exhausted for days, if not weeks, on end.
So, I dont really care if not wanting to spend money and time I dont have to go fucking bOWLING 7:30 PM THE WEEKEND BEFORE A SEMINAR PRESENTATION MAKES ME A SHITTY FRIEND
#happy bday tho#like im sorry im so jaded and reclusive but GOD PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE#we had to say almost 2 hours standing in a hot stuffy space for that FORSAKEN CIENTIFIC JOURNEY SHIT#i literally cannot take this anymore#there were so many ppl just stuff there like a pack of sardines I have to yell for someone right next to me to hear me#AND i had to repeat the same lenghty explanation like 5 different times#i know end of semesters are chaos incarnate but tHIS IS NOT NORMAL#im always tired and annoyed#and it takes me FOREVER to write shit thats supposed to be easy#I DONT HAVE TIME FOR FUCK ALL#OR EVEN REGULAR HOBBIES#I LITERALLY SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP TO THE TIME I GOTTA GET READY FOR CLASS#YEAH IM COMPLANING EVEN THO I DONT EVEN HAVE A FUCKING JOB#YES I KNOW I HAVE MUCH EASIER THAN A LOT OF PEOPLE#INCLUDING PPL IN MY CLASS#IM STILL ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN#i literally do NOT know how ppl do this on top of a full time job#jesus fucking christ#Hydration Reminder: keeping up with star-mum but everytime I have the sudden urge to start bawling my eyes out you drink some water ! : D#should I be in therapy? Yes.#Should I propably be going after an adhd diagnosis? ALSO YES#guess what the clinic was meant to call me back to lmk if they had opening and I only noticed they hadnt after 3 fucking months#which... helps my point but its also VERY counter productive#star is a bad friend :p#star rants
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really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?
note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...
im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?
NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.
I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?
can i control any of this? no.
so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...
bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???
ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.
medical? -> insurance.
death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income
(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)
so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!
WRONG!
all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job
yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,
but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???
if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist
this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story
(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)
im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...
whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore
(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)
i am equally fucked by either...
1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep
OR
2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)
this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am
why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)
why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU
so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???
"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"
actually neither, id rather simply not exist
why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?
why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with
why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is
and i fucking hate it
.
...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now
#idek anymore#was supposed to be cathartic but i think i just made it worse...#alex talks#delete later
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Theory for “Gabriel Agreste”
Saying that I'm EXCITED for this episode is an understatement, I'm THRILLED! So let me give you my speculation for what could happen in it and how it’ll affect the future, because pieces are literally just falling into place in my brain and I just have to write this down.
The episode is called" Gabriel agreste" because in this episode Gabriel will create a (long time) Sentimonster for himself that'll take his place and cover for him in his civilian life while he himself gets completely swallowed by his Hawkmoth/ShadowMoth identity (which is a direct paralell to the fate Marinette just escaped by telling Alya her secret). He doesn't want to "waste" anymore unnecessary time by having to NOT be Hawkmoth, which then completely separates him from Adrien who very much was one of the last (if not THE LAST at this point) few strings that kept him grounded in his humanity.
The episode takes place right before the middle of the season and since it's season 4 we are talking about here its fair to assume that both Adrien and Gabriel are back at (at least) suspecting each other to be Chat Noir and Hawkmoth again at some point. Adrien is going to be even more rebellious after the status quo break and set up of "Lies" so him maybe (or maybe even confirmed already to Gabriel) to be Chat Noir could definitely be the factor that sets Gabriel over the edge, rips these two apart for good (as I foresaw in my analysis of "Jackady") and brings Gabriel to distance himself altogether while covering his own identity from his son by creating a Sentimonster (bc Adriens secret being discovered by his evil family is already forshadowed to hell and back, just like him ending up getting Homeschooled again this season, mark my words)
---
"Queen Banana" is supposed to take place right before "Gabriel Agreste" and we have a leak where it's seen that Adrien is now kinda taking on Nathalies role since she is (supposedly) still bed ridden.
Seriously, just humour me here and stay with me. This would mean that Adrien would get to see and interact with his father much more often and Gabriel wouldn't be able to ditch everything and turn into Hawkmoth as easily as he was able to with Nathalie.
A cover up Sentimonster was actually already kinda forshadowed in "Party Crasher"
by introducing HoloGabe with the intention of providing Gabriel with alibis and to attend meetings etc for him in the future so Gabriel can invest more time into being Hawkmoth. But a Hologramm is not suitable for every occasion, which is where the Sentimonster comes into play.
At first Adrien wouldn't notice much off about his father and the few things he notices Adrien actually doesnt mind. If SentiGabe is really supposed to replace Gabriel as... Well, Gabriel, that also means as a FATHER and my money is on SentiGabe being created to be a better father than the original. SentiGabe does everything Adrien wanted his father to do in s1-s3: Join Adrien at dinner time, spend more time with him, is in general in better of a mood and not such an unpleasant dick and so on and so on.
Easy to say, Adrien basically welcomes the good change he always wanted in his "Father" with open arms and chooses to ignore things that seem suspicious and the always remaining gut feeling of something just being... off. This will collide with the unveiling of more of the family (+ Emilie) mystery which will for Adrien all continue to point at Gabriel as Hawkmoth because of one event that is likely to happen in episode 4.
I'm currently writing on yet another post about this topic in particular, so I will link it HERE for elaboration once I post it, but in short, I think Rena Rouge and the Grimoire secrets Marinette shears with Alya could be the catalyst of Adrien suspecting his father to be Hawkmoth again.
Adriens memories of the time he went through the Grimoire himself in "Volpina" would be triggered again after seing the Grimoire page Rena (honestly, quite recklessly) brings along into battle and from then on things will slowly pile up until Gabriel deflects from himself with SentiGabe in "Gabriel Agreste" (just like he did in “The Collector”)
People WAY to easily forget how ready and serious Adrien was in "The Collector" when he actually concidered his father to be Hawkmoth.
Keep in mind that Ladybug was only able to tell Chat Noir the weakest reasons of her suspicion against Gabriel (while the Grimoire being Guardian property was NEVER found out by Adrien... til NOW) that being Gabriels mysterious personality and the butterfly logo of his brand.
These arguments are weak because they are ONLY actually suspicious in the specific context of Gabriel being Hawkmoth. Once you have proof against that they hardly hold any ground anymore, hence why both Adrien AND Marinette so easily brushed off these points after seeing Gabriel akumatized. I mean, excuse a designer for choosing a BUTTERFLY as his logo when his last name is literally the name of a butterfly type. The fuck kind of accusation is that??
So I hope you understand that when I say that, yes, these reasons DID trigger further memories/realizations for Adrien in that moment
It simply was only the tip of the iceberg.
The fact that Adrien not only gave Ladybug the fucking benefit of a doubt and heared her out about accusing his FATHER of being HAWKMOTH and took it THAT seriously and wanted to find out if his father truly IS Hawkmoth means that Adrien very much sees his father as capable of being Paris villain Nr 1. This... understanding and acceptance of Gabriels nature already had to be in Adrien much prior to "the collector" to set it off like this. And while normally Adrien chooses to turn a blind eye towards his fathers bad qualities in favor of seeing Gabriels redeeming (and even the rare somewhat GOOD) qualities, Adrien only does so because he thinks Gabriel hasn't crossed the line yet that makes his father undeserving of these loving conciderations. But Gabriel being Hawkmoth IS CROSSING that line for Adrien and he immediately sets aside his remaining/choosen love for his heavily flawed father and willingly sees Gabriel for what he is.
Adrien already did it once with only a few somewhat solid reasons and the Grimoire being kept secret from him altogether,
So he will do it again, just this time the proofs and developments are supposed to stay for good.
---
This development would not only be forshadowed by "the collector"
But also by the episode "Ladybug". There Mayura used a Sentimonster version of Ladybug against Chat Noir, using their love against him. What she didn't know though was that Ladybug actually isn't in love with her partner (yet) which ended up with Chat Noir being put in the situation of having to decide which Ladybug he believes to be real.
Does he believe and hold onto Sentibug who returns the love he so desperately seeks in life or does he let go of his hopeful wish and accept the heartbreaking reality of once again not receiving his love in return from yet another person he holds so dear?
In "Ladybug" Adrien couldn't make that crushing decision yet (and don't clown in the replies about this, not only was the situation vastly different it's also a cruel thing to ask of Adrien) but as we are used from Miraculous by now, that episode was only the set up for future events.
What Adrien couldn't let himself believe about Ladybug and Sentibug he will have to FORCE himself to accept about his Father and Hawkmoth. Same set-up of the Sentimonster symbolising Adriens desperate and hopeful WISH what his loved one were vs the crushing, heart wrenching reality of what his loved ones actually ARE. Just that letting go of his wish for Ladybugs love didnt seem "necessary enough" for the mission to succeed so he just couldn't MAKE himself give her up whereas accepting and seeing that his father is Hawkmoth is going to be one of the most crucial sacrifices of the show, changing the game forever. So as horrible, cruel and soul shattering as this is, putting an end to his fathers villainous reign for the sake of the greater good is a reason worthy enough to force himself through his pain.Which brings us once again back to “The collector” (which seriously forshadows almost everything I love that episode), because there is ONE major aspect that episodes sets up like crazy
And that is:
And thats where we are heading now.
This entire time Adrien wanted his Father to behave more fatherly, spend more time with him and improve his explosive behavior but he always got disappointed over and over again. So how heartbreaking would it be if over the course of the second half of the season THIS would be the very reason why Adrien gets behind Gabriels secret? Because SentiGabe behaved too fatherly for Adrien to truly buy it in his heart and when forced to decide what he actually believes his father to be - like the fatherly Sentimonster or the villainous Hawkmoth - Adrien has to and WILL recognize and accept his fathers true nature and turn against him, as it has been set up for a LONG time now.
This season shit’s about to go DOWN!
#Miraculous#Miraculous Ladybug#Ml spoilers#Ml Theory#Ml season 4#Episode: Gabriel Agreste#Adrien Agreste#Chat Noir#Gabriel Agreste#Hawkmoth#Agreste family drama#or tragedy#thats more like it#SentiGabe#I am so EXCITED for this episode!!!#Ml analysis
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just wanna be with you; reggie x reader
“are you okay?” that was the first question julie had asked you when she saw you the morning after you both had learned that the boys were planning on crossing over before the jolts that caleb had placed on them destroyed them.
“ i feel like i should be asking you that.” you said bluntly as you let your best friend into your house which was empty other than you at the moment. you both trailed into your kitchen. ripped pages of your journal laid in crumpled balls, a mug of hot chocolate which was half drank was next to your song journal. you wrote your best songs when you were emotional and last night was definitely emotional.
you picked up your mug and went to refill it as well as make one for julie. she sat herself down at the table, her wondering eyes drawn to the journal. she knew a love song when she saw one.
“did you write this?” julie asked pointing at the song labeled ‘just wanna be with you’. you placed both of your mugs back on the table and sat down. you bit your bottom lip as you took a deep breath.
“yeah, i wrote it about or i guess for reggie.” you blurted out to your best friend. she placed her hand onto your outstretched one, comforting you. you felt all of your emotions crash down onto you like a tidal wave.
“i’ve never felt this way about anyone ever not even carrie, i’ve never been so- i’ve never written a song about someone i like. ever! and then he just comes out of nowhere the afterlife and everything and for the first time since carrie broke up with me, i felt. i can’t even compare it to carrie but he makes me feel like there’s nothing we can’t do if we’re together, and no matter what happens i know he’ll be there. i just wanna be with him, jules.” your voice was raw as a few loose tears escaped your eyes.
“that’s love, if i know anything from how my parents looked at each other and every stupid rom com that we’ve watched with flynn. you’re in love with him.” julie said to you as she wiped the tears off of your cheeks. you let what she said sink in, love. you were in love with reggie.
“fuck flynn’s never gonna let me live this down!” you joked to your best friend. she broke a smile. she stood up and held her hand out for you. you gave her a confused look. she pulled you up from your seat.
“you’re getting dressed, meeting up with reggie before we play the orpheum and giving him this song. life is too short for you to just sit back and not tell people how you feel about them. you have to live in the moment, and even if you lose him. you’ll always have the memories.” handing you the journal that laid on the table, you both rushed upstairs to your bedroom not before you muttered “i hate how you’re always right.”
it had been at least an hour since you got ready. julie had picked out a cute outfit consisting of your favorite pieces of clothing that you owned, insisting that flynn says that the more comfortable you are in your skin, the more comfortable you’ll be laying your heart out. you also had your backpack slung over your shoulder with your clothes for later tonight when the band plays the orpheum and then, clothes for a sleepover with julie later on. neither of you wanted to be alone after the guys crossed over.
“stop worrying you look fantastic.” julie said to you. you found it ironic. your best friend was playing one of the most iconic clubs in all of Los Angeles tonight and here she was calming you down over telling reggie how you feel. you played with the bracelets on your wrists, more specifically the red and black one that had a small bass charm in the middle. julie smirked when she noticed the small charm but opted not to say anything.
“i’m gonna go pick out my outfit for tonight, and i’ll rangle dumb and dumber out so you can be alone with reggie. you got this!” julie said to you before walking into the studio to say some half true lie to get alex and luke out so you could be alone with reggie. after standing alone for five minutes and convincing yourself while it seemed convenient, running from your issues wouldn’t solve anything.
“hey.” you mentally face palmed. hey thats the best you had? reggie looked up from the grand piano he had been fiddling with the keys of. a smile came across his face when he saw you. his smile was one of your favorites.
“hey, shouldn’t you be helping julie?” he asked confused being as mere minutes ago julie had brought luke and alex up to her room to help wrap last minute details up for the orpheum show. you placed your backpack down and fished out your journal. your heart was beating in your chest like thunder, as if it was going to just combust out.
“yeah, but first i wanted to show you this song that i wrote.” you stumbled on your words a little and after getting the sentence out your mouth had never felt drier. reggie looked bewildered, normally you shared your songs with julie and flynn. this was the first time you’d ever wanted to show him a song of yours and also the last.
“i thought that’s something that you and julie do with flynn?” you approached the grand piano and sat next to him. it was now or never at this point. you pushed the knowing that by tonight after they opened, him and the guys would be gone.
“yeah but it’s something special that i think would just be better if you were the one to hear it. is that okay?” your voice was soft and you’d never been this close to reggie before. the past few days you’d been avoiding being alone with him to see if you could try to resolve your crush on your own. it was impossible.
“yeah, no totally, that’s rad.” he said nervously starting to fiddle with his rings. you let out a soft laugh. you opened the page that the song was on and placed your hands on the keys.
“ I got a lot of things I have to do All these distractions Our futures coming soon We're being pulled a hundred different directions But whatever happens I know I've got you
You're on my mind you're in my heart It doesn't matter where we are It'll be alright Even if we're miles apart
All I wanna do, is be with you, be with you There's nothing we can do just wanna be with you Only you No matter where life takes us nothing can break us apart You know its true I just wanna be with you
You know how life can be It changes over night It's sunny then raining, but it's alright A friend like you Always makes it easy I know that your kidding me every time
Through every up through every down You know I'll always be around Through anything you can count on me
All I wanna do, is be with you, be with you There's nothing we can do just wanna be with you Only you No matter where life takes us nothing can break us apart You know it's true I just wanna be with you
I just wanna be with you”
you felt a weight life off your shoulders when you finished and you wondered why you’d been so nervous, then you remembered that reggie was still sitting next to your and your nerves came swinging right back. you turned to him and for once staring into his eyes didn’t comfort you, it scared you.
“i know that after tonight you’re gone but i’d be an idiot if i didn’t tell you how i felt before you left. i’ve never wrote a song for anyone i’ve lov-like liked.” the words tumbled out of your mouth uncontrollable. reggie smiled. he wanted to kiss you and in that moment he regretted everything. had they focused on the band instead of being so hellbent on getting revenge against bobby, then they wouldn’t have gotten stamped and wouldn’t be crossing over at all.
“you have no idea how much i want to kiss you. ” he said softly. you smiled, you wanted to kiss him so badly.
“i’m gonna miss you, so much.” you admitted. you knew he couldn’t stay but you wanted him to.
“you are unlike any girl i’ve ever met or have like liked either, y/n y/l/n. i wish we had more time.” he said coming closer to you. your eyes closed for a moment and you forgot just what was happening. he wouldn’t be able to kiss you. you’d go straight through him.
“we can’t, i want to but you know we can’t.” your words were soft and quiet but loud enough to break both of your hearts. you both wanted this so badly but the universe wouldn’t allow it. you merely coexisted together, you were still from two seperate worlds.
“your favorite flowers are forget me nots right?” he asked you after the two of you had pulled away. you nodded and almost as a reflex played with the bracelet on your wrist with a forget me not charm. he removed his necklace from around his neck, with the blue beads and silver bar at the middle. the entire time you’d known reggie he’d never been seen without it.
“then consider this a forget me not.” he then took the necklace and placed it around your neck. you removed the red and black bracelet with the bass charm. you placed it around his wrist.
“only if you consider this a forget me not as well.” “ forever.” your phone beeped interrupting the moment.
julie: i love you but i’m going to find a way to rekill these himbos soon.
“i should go actually help julie now. i really don’t wanna say goodbye.” this was probably the last moment you had with reggie and you never wanted it to end.
“so don’t say goodbye just say i’ll see you around.” he said jokingly. you nodded as a few tears made their way out of your eyes. you stood up from the grand piano grabbing your journal, you walked over to your backpack and turned around, your fingers fiddling with your forget me not token.
“see you around guitar cutie.” you said before walking out of the studio.
“not if i see you first!” he yelled back. you smiled and continued to walked up to julie’s room. closing the door and then sliding down against it once you’d entered.
“i fell in love with a ghost. full teasing rights once my heart heals, let flynn know.” you stated as you slumped on the floor in a slightly love struck daze.
“no shit!”
“is this suppose to be new news?”
“shut up shes in loveeee.”
“yeah and i’ve come to take your spot as julie’s fashion stylists.” you joked as you got up. alex and luke poofed out after a few more side comments. julie smirked.
“nice necklace you got there.” she winked before the two of you got to work.
flashing forward to two hours later, flynn and you stood on the side wings of the stage clutching onto each other, both of you dressed in your concert outfits . julie, alone center stage with only her keyboard, microphone and a dahlia with her. you were all on edge, the guys wouldn’t bail again. there’s no way. so there was only one other explanation. the jolts destroyed them before they got to crossover.
as julie started playing stand tall, the song you had heard so many times from sitting in on the practices, you thought you were imagining hearing alex’s drums until you and flynn both saw him with your own eyes.
“holy shit.” then reggie appeared next to julie, causing you and flynn to jump with excitement. they were still here, they were going to crossover. you noticed how the charm from the bracelet reggie was still wearing had twinkled under stage lights and him looking back up and you and winking.
“it’s your lover boy!” flynn teased. you couldn’t deny it because at this moment you were to happy to even bother.
“c’mon luke.” you had started to muttered noticing that he was flickering onstage causing both of the present phantoms to give you a worried glance. after a few tries he managed to stay solid onstage.
“yes!” you and flynn both cheered on the sidelines. dancing and singing to the song that you knew would be stuck in your head by tomorrow. you were all happy in this moment.
when the song ended reggie looked back at you and mouthed very clear words. “i love you.” before you could say it back the boys disappeared. you placed the silver bar of the necklace to your lips and kissed it muttered “i love you too” before. joining flynn in cheering for julie. everything was over, but you left nothing unsaid.
“so y/n, spill the details about your out of this world love affair.” julie joked as the three of you were in the dressing room changing into your street outfits. you laughed. folding the clothes you wore and putting them back into your backpack before looking in the mirror to check over last time.
“wait is that reggie’s?” flynn asked pointing at the necklace you wore all night. you blushed slightly. then julie noticed the missing red and black bracelet.
“yeah it’s a forget me not. something to remember him by. i’ll explain it all tomorrow i’m still processing it honestly.” you said turning around to her. flynn hugged you. you were happy you had your friends.
“i’m gonna go make us popcorn and pick a movie.” you said once julie and you had gotten back to her house for the night. you knew she wanted a moment alone in the garage to thank her mom for bringing the guys to her and music back into her life.
once you had the popcorn in julie’s bed and were picking out a movie on her laptop she texted you a 911, code red, and a bunch of other phrases for her saying you needed to get into the garage asap.
“hey jules what do half of these codes even mean?” you asked as you walked into the garage. “what the fuck, you guys crossed over. you shouldn’t be here.” you said when you saw your favorite ghosts standing in a group hug with julie. they looked like they were dying twice all over.
“come here!” julie said grabbing you and pulling you into the hug. the guys all started to glow a golden color and the stamps caleb had put on them dissolved.
“what do you think that means?” julie asked. you shrugged, up until like a month ago you didn’t even think ghosts actually existed.
“i think it means the bands back.” luke said causing the group hug to jump up and down in a fit of happiness over playing the orpheum. once the group hug broke up, you launched yourself forwards towards reggie.
“i love you too.” he smiled.
“kiss her!” julie coughed trying to be subtle. luke and alex both nodded encouraging their friend.
“yeah kiss me guitar cutie.” you said with confidence causing him to do so. you could hear the hollers of your best friends in the background losing their minds which made the moment better for you.
“so what do i tell flynn?” julie asked once you pulled away for air.
“we’ll tell her tomorrow, she’s probably still reeling from tonight.” you said. julie nodded then had another outburst excitement over the fact that they just played the orpheum.
reggie picked you up and swung you around before kissing you again. “i don’t know what’s better playing the orpheum or kissing you.” he said.
“also which one of you is responsible for carlos knowing?” julie asked in the middle of the moment. the guys faces all became panicked.
“busted!” you said holding a hand for your best friend to high five.
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this is the first thing i’ve ever wrote to post publicly and idk if i like it or not but just wanna be with you lives in my head rent free so i saw my opportunity and i took it honestly. let me know if you guys like this those maybe i’ll start posting again. <3
#julie and the phantoms#julie and the phantoms imagine#julie and the phantoms x reader#jatp imagine#jatp x reader#julie molina#luke patterson#reggie peters#alex mercer#reggie peters imagine#reggie peters x reader#grace writes
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No, okay. Thats it.
This is a full on ramble. But I need to get this shit off my chest.
I love shooter games. I love when they add lore to them. But r6s and Valorant are FUCKING up big time.
Centering lore and interactions on certain characters kills the lore. Every single character has an opinion. There are countless writers waiting for an opportunity. Hire them. If you Keep adding characters that dont do anything in the lore (like adding operators and then not using them lore wise, ex: jackal) then...you shouldnt have lore its like the characters dont exist
Jackal has no content. The elite skin HAS THOSE SHITTY GOGGLES. theres no New lore of him and the kali and ash storyline is getting no-where. Realeasing lore every time theres a New season doesnt help. UBISOFT isnt shit at writing because they made ASSASINS CREED. it has an amazing story telling and writers. They have no excuse for this.
1) they have countless characters and they Keep adding more and more.
Jackal, flores, capitao, goyo, amaru, Maverick and countless more characters have interesting story lines. Amazing personalities and are full of possibilities And potential. Its good to expand the lore.
2) the ash and kali story line:
Its getting no-where fast. We are updated every once or twice a year. No New voicelines or story telling resources. It was fun at first...now? Its just ..Boring. yes. Kali is up to something. What? Fuck knows! We dont know. Are they also evil? Is kali sending info? To whom? Why? What are they planning? We dont have a FUCKING clue. No idea as far as motives go.
3) r6s extraction
Look. I wont lie I think its cool they expand to the chimera thing w rainbow. But dude. They cant handle r6s' lore. Whose to say theyll do a better work on r6E.
They recicle characters. UBISOFT you can do better.
That amongst Many other things ruin a games lore posibilities. Bad management.
now about valorant:
Okay I get it, you guys have 3 people on the lore team. But its riot games. They made LOL and the lore they have. Is crazy extensive. THEY MADE A SHOW. THATS HOW MUCH LORE YALL HAVE.
Again. Plenty of writers. Maybe its not as easy as hiring them but guys. You are a big company. Im sure you can sort this out.
The Twitter takeover is shit. There. I said It. Four tweets (breach had TWO) some vids and to figure it yourself you go. Cyphers takeover was all about chess. Character have layers. His past has plenty of oportunities. You cant leave it at "his family is deceased and he blames himself".
The chess tweets were probably a publicity stunt for....valorant...chess? Okay. You do you.
Its a shooter. The chess board can be its own separate merch campaign. These takeovers should be for lore only, the community is asking nonstop for more lore. Intricacy its fun until its not. Lore thats too complicated to understand or crack Open Will eventually tire the fanbase and they'll move on to "greener pastures".
You made a shooter and want to add lore to it? Okay. Make it. Fix the issues that come up and Keep the lore going. Its story telling. Its supposed to be entertaining. Not a hook to boost the numbers up when the playerbase starts dying down.
The Twitter take over is not being fruitfull. When you favor characters over others, thats the problem not everybody likes the character youre focusing the content on.
Misterious characters like chamber, cypher. OMEN OR VIPER cant Keep their secrets forever. Maybe lore wise they can. But you cant Keep the lore away from the fans
Let me explain.
Cyphers secrets can be kept unkown to the characters inside the lore. But the fanbase Will not take that shit much longer. They Will get burnt out and tired.
Chambers motives can be kept unkown to brim or viper. And though chamber is quite New. Theres little to no info as to why they do it
Omens and vipers past and how they link eachother can be kept a secret from the characters inside the lore. Furthermore. Its a good way of saying that whatever went down WAS BAD BCS EVEN OMEN AND VIPER DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. But the fans Will tire of not knowing.
There has to be a balance. When the lore is the only thing that keeps bringing New fans in, Thats the problem. Adding games to the Franchise when you can barely Keep the existing games running. Thats the problem.
There has to be a balance. For me its basic storytelling. The best example is overwatch.
Feel free to add to this ramble. Be respectful.
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1, 9, 16, 18 & 22 for the multi meme
Which muses is/are your favorites ?
truth, they've all been my favorite at one point time. there are points where I won't touch any of my ocs but one for three or four months, before moving onto a new favorite. currently my hyperfocus is on Nora as I wanna write cyborg shit so bad, I've been wanting to write final fantasy for EVER and not got a chance to write.
Which of your muses do you most identify with? Why?
answered !
What is a fandom you used to write in the past ?
WOO THATS A DOOZY, I used to write a little bit of everything. any major anime ? probably fucking wrote it. I started writing self inserts to ship with Vegeta in DBZ. ( is this a joke who knows ) anw I went through a big literature phase, which was kicked off by my Harry Potter obsession. ( Draco Malfoy MMMMMMM yes also Cedric, I literally read the books to get more of Cedric's character and he's so much better in the books. ) My literature phase was killed by Twilight. ( team jasper, and didn't stop me from writing it. I went into supernatural, doctor who directly after that and Jensen Ackles could have his way with me every which way til Sunday still to this day he's aging like fine wine and that's on being a good person. I wrote Anna, and was literally the only person alive who shipped her with Castiel, which was supposed to be Canon til the fans HATED on her enough they killed her off.
a lot. little bit of everything really.
Share an opinion you have about multimuse blogs.
that they are of the utmost convienence and I should have done this a long time ago. I don't have time to run multiple blogs, and I've wanted rp friends that I could write multiple threads/ships/fandoms with forever and never had any of that til making a multimuse blog. my ADHD never lets me hyper focus on the same thing long enough.
List some of favorite multimuse blogs.
preface this with: if I follow u I genuinely love your blog and your muses and want to interact with u in any way possible.
@primasolaris - it took me a minute to follow her NGL bc I was intimidated. now she's probably the mutual I find the easiest to talk to. i followed for the writing ( bc at one point, she did write *shade button* ) , stayed for the astrology shitposting, and good taste in muses ngl. everything I've watched or read on her recommendation, or listened to, has been really good. @killedarlings - even tho I'm really too shy ( or maybe I just know I'm annoying, my self awareness is profound ) to talk to them a lot ooc so I can not say much on that front, but they are easily to plot with, I'm here for the writing and wanna shove all my muses down their throat. @kwisatzhadcrach purely for the vibes and they're posts make me laugh. they also have good taste in muses, especially some really obscure ones that are hard to find anyone taking up. @katebaikiru so easy to plot with, and genuinely enjoyable as a person. open to throwing random muses together and seeing what happens and I love that shit.
#space ⠀ ∷ ⠀ aesthetics is what i’m good at ⠀ ❝ ooc#im kinda emotional about all the questions people sent.#i appreciate it#getting notifications in my ask or on my phone literally makes me happy.#i know its corny go away
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Flying rocks and kisses
Trying to gain inspiration through power outages, and got prompted for a Suyin request, which I’m actually pretty excited about, gives me a bit of a challenge now. Since they didn’t choose which prompt, I’ll start with 3, and I’ll just play around with a few different people. While, I’m a le $ bean, I’m open to also writing for my boys- so you can request anyone, not just the lovely ladies of ALTA and LOK (but lets be real, they’re the important ones and deserve more love). Here goes nothing, let me know what you think, and hope you enjoy!!
Prompt #3: “Shit, watch out!” She screamed as a large boulder was flying at her crush at an extremely fast pace, fast enough all she could do was jump in front of it, and prepare for the sudden pain.
Word count: 2,973
Requestor: @Helplesslesbean
—-
Having grown up in the lovely city of Zafou for all my life, and following the guards around the city has made me grown accustomed to all the ins and outs of the city and especially the large mansion which resides my personal favorite human, Suyin Beifong. Granted yes, she is the same age as my parents, and I should definitely not be major crushing on her, but I mean… How can you not? Look at her, she’s the fiercest woman I know and would do anything for her family and she made this entire city from nothing, and she’s a Beifong! Her mother literally invented metal bending, which is our entire city. She also started a dance troupe and has worked countless of tiresome hours to perfect her dancers for their plays. I go to every performance and practice.
Speaking of the lovely, perfectionist of a woman, I sat outside helping Kuvira, Suyin’s adoptive daughter practice her dance routine since I’m always at the practices, Kuvira has me help her practice, because like mother, like daughter, she’s also a perfectionist. Something about being abandoned as a child… As we were going over how to jump from the bottom to the top to interlock her ankle with Lucy’s, Su walked up and instantly I started getting nervous, and Kuvira knows my little secret, but finds it weird and childish. Which is probably is, but I ignore her, and keep my little crush on the matriarch to myself.
“Aww, wonderfully done Kuvira and (y/n)!! That was performed beautifully! I should create a routine without metal bending, so you can participate (y/n)! You’d be such a lovely dancer, might even steal the show!” Su exclaimed in joy while walking up to the two of us, with my pale complexion becoming as red at the Fire Nation.
“It could’ve been better. Again.” Kuvira said while getting back to the starting position. I just sighed, we’ve been going at this all morning. Usually Su would come by earlier on to watch the practice, but with the Avatar being in town, she’s been preoccupied , which works out for you, since every time she watches you, you get nervous and mess up, and especially when Kuvira trains with you, that usually has you ending on your ass, with a lot of bruises. Kuvira isn’t easy-going, and will use your crush on Su to her full advantage.
“Oh, Kuvira, you need to learn to take a break, it looks like (y/n) could use one, here have some water.” Su said while pushing Kuvira back down with a water bottle that she brought up. She then handed me one, and I quickly grabbed it, trying to ignore the slight spark of electricity that went off between our fingers when the brushed each other, and quickly downed half the bottle in one go.
“Wow, you must be thirsty (y/n), I can get you another if you’d like.” Su said, which made you choke on the second half of the bottle, and had you sputtering out that you were okay. Kuvira just scoffed and pushed Su out of the way to go over the form again, she didn’t think it was strong enough. You got back up and started to practice again, ignoring Su’s lingering eyes on you. You kept up with the routine, and eventually Su had to attend to some other things around the city.
—-
After you finished up, you got cleaned up and ready for bed.You were brushing your teeth when you heard a knock on the door. Confused because Kuvira has a strict sleep schedule that is not to be interupted, and that even means as soon as it’s after dinner, you never hear from her. You finished wiping your mouth and opened your door. Standing there was Su in her long, luxurious emerald green gown with her metal plates and you could smell her fresh perfume she always wore to bed and light green slippers.
“Su? How can I help you?” You ask, while trying to keep your blush down, or at least not blistering red. You were also trying to ignore the fact that while normal people who don’t crush on others twice their age, they also don’t wear just a large t shirt to bed, with NOTHING underneath.
“(Y/N), I just wanted to check in with you about a few things, do you mind if I come in?” Su asks. You let her in, but try to ignore that her perfume has you leaning in closer and wishing you could just curl up in bed with her forever.
As Su walks in, she slightly brushes you with your arm, and the hair on your arm stands up as you clear your throat and close the door behind her. You follow Su into the room as she sits on your bed and you awkwardly stand there. You just look down at the floor, and wait for her to speak. She just sits there and stares at you, and you’re quite confused what she’s looking at, and why she isn’t talking yet.
“Are you not going to sit?” Su asks. You shuffle and sit next to her, but trying to keep some space between you, for your benefit so you won’t do anything too stupid. This crossed Su’s mind, and she completely ignored it and scooted closer to you and rested her hands on your forearm and knee, which prompted you to swallow loudly, as you tried to ignore your pounding heart.
“I’ve talked with Kuvira before, and she always says how great you are at talking things through, and I have some concerns.” She starts with, causing you to die a little inside, thinking she knows your little secret. “With my sister being here, and being so resentful against me and my family, I don’t know what to do or say, and my husband is well… we’re not how we used to be, and I feel like you’d have good insight.”
“Uhhh yeah. Um. You’re not?” I squeaked out, not really sure to answer that. She’s not how she used to be with her husband? But they always seemed to be the perfect duo. How is she not doing well with him? Are they splitting up? What happened? Okay (y/n), focus. She’s starting at you. I need to concentrate on what she’s saying. I hear her speaking, but nothing is coming to my ears, I’m just staring at her perfect lips, and wow. They’re so kissable. I wish I could, just…
“(Y/N) are you okay? You seem out of it. I knew this would be too much, just forget I said anything, and have yourself a goodnight.” Su rushed out as she got up to leave. I didn’t know what to do, because now she thinks it’s her fault. I did the only logical thing to do. I grabbed her retreating hand and yanked her back down to me and before she could question anything, I grabbed her face pulled it closer and slammed my lips on her lips. I instantly wrapped my hands into her hair pulling her closer and enjoying this moment.
She was completely frozen. That’s when the panic started, and I soon realized this was not where she was going with this, and I’m an idiot. Just when I started to pull back, there was a loud bang that shook the mansion, cause me to fall to the floor and Su to stand up immediately. Horrible timing, but I could always just stare at her from this angle. Any angle to be honest. Thats when another loud bang shook the walls, and before I could get up, Su grabbed my hands to lift me up, surprisingly quickly and strong.
“I need to investigate, stay here (y/n).” Su said eyes piercing through mine.
“But I-“
“I mean it, don’t leave your room in any circumstance until I come get you.” Su said, then looked at my lips, gave me a quick peck on the cheek instead, and ran out of the room, metal bending the door behind her so I couldn’t get out. Damn metal benders. Though, joke is on her, because Kuvira used to lock me in my room all the time for dinner as a joke. I carved out some hollowed areas to crawl through that gives me outdoor access through the vents. Granted this was 10 years ago, when I was much smaller, but will have to do in a pinch. I wiggled through and I don’t know if its all the training I’ve done with Kuvira to stay toned and made this a piece of cake, or all the sweat I’ve gathered from thinking about the kiss I just shared with Su. Of course she didn’t want to kiss me, I’m her adoptive daughter’s friend, why would she me as anything else? Welp, time to move out I suppose. You know, Fire nation looks lovely this time of year. Another loud bang followed by shouting was heard, and I got back to focus and busted the vent and crawled out.
When I got up, I see about 20 guards, Su and her twins, team avatar, and Lin. I can’t specifically spot out Kuvira, but I’m sure she’s somewhere amongst the guards. Who I can’t find oddly is the avatar. Isn’t this her thing? Investigation loud bangs? Then I spotted it. The giant metal plates in the center of.. lava? Well that’s new. Some buff, bald man had the knocked out avatar over his shoulder, and everyone was firing metal at him. But some of the guards were fighting a woman with water arms, and a guy who was lavabending?! Who are these people?! My training with Kuvira kicked in, and while I don’t have some super fancy bending like these people, or really any bending, I know how to throw a punch and dodge cheap shots that Kuvira loves to throw at me.
I run into the action and I spot Kuvira bending her plates at the lady with water arms, but miserably failing. I run up to her and push her behind a pillar.
“(Y/N)! You can’t be out here, these aren’t normal people. Go call back up!” Kuvira shouted while protecting you from an explosion near by.
“Idiot, I’ve trained with you, I can help. But you’re such and earth bender. You’re only thinking within the box of fighting. These obviously aren’t normal people. You need to outsmart them, not out bend them.” You shout over all the commotion and duck your head into Kuvira’s arms while splinters of metal go flying a little too close to your face. Kuvira puts up a shield next to you to protect you, and you continue on you theory. ���If you can distract the water bending with set up 12-4, then I jump off your back and go and electrocute her. Water hates electricity.” You shout over the loud bangs.
“That could work, but if you get injured, Su will kill me.” Kuvira shouts, while contemplating.
“That’s okay, I think she already wants to kill me now. I kissed her earlier.” You shout/whisper to Kuvira. She just stares at you with large eyes, and punches your arm. You just shake your head and nod to her. Kuvira get the guards to line up in 12-4, a common move they do to surprise an attacker, with surrounding forces, and my added presence should hopefully hit it home. I waited for the right moment and then when I saw Kuvira was ready and water lady spun around I ran and jumped on Kuvira’s back and she launched me into the air, and thankful for all her dance routines, I flipped next to water arms lady and with the baton fully charged with electricity, I went to electrocute her to take her out, and it was going perfect, except we didn’t account for mr. lavabender to have heart eyes for her, and jump in, and shoot the ground from underneath me, and shoot me into the air, and given it was unpredicted, I was flying far, and crashed into Lin. And man, if I thought Su was strong, her older sister is earth itself, and pure muscle. I groaned from the not so soft landing. I think the ground would’ve been a better landing than Lin.
“Watch it kid. This isn’t a circus.” She grunts roughly and tosses you aside. Ahh, so now you see the resentment Su was talking about from earlier. You roll off and sit up brushing the dirt off you. That didn’t go as planned. Before you could think of another suggestion, you looked up and saw Su fighting with her twins and you see combustion bender (how did I miss her earlier?!) Directly aim for a rock pile near by Su, to throw all of them at her at once, so she couldn’t dodge it, and before you knew what to do, your body was running full speed at Su, screaming, “Shit, watch out!” as a large boulder was flying at her crush at an extremely fast pace, fast enough all she could do was jump in front of it, and prepare for the sudden pain.
You know those moments when everything slows down, and you just embrace what is happening, but it gives you a chance to look around? This was one of those moments, and you thought you were toast. For sure, going to be flattened out into nothing. Though while you looked around, you see guards running all over, team avatar helping Lin get the avatar, and the twins under the protection of their mother, who is shielding her body to protect them, and staring at you. You feel the wind of the the boulder about to hit you, and you ready yourself for the impact…. That never comes? You look in front of you to see all the boulders that were flying towards you at full speed are now hitting the combustion lady and Lin escaped with the avatar. What really surprised you was the air being blasted from your hands. I’m an airbender?????
Then the bald man took his staff and the other 3 talented benders into a gust of wind and they were gone. Okay, if I am an airbender, I need to learn that trick. You look back to see if Su is okay, but are instead greeted with arms instantly wrapping around you and the intoxicating smell of Su’s perfume and a bit of mix of burnt earth…You awkwardly return her hug and bury your face into her shoulder, even though she is about an inch or two shorter than I am.
“You idiot, I told you to stay put! And why would you jump in front of those boulders? I’m an earth bender, I can handle it!” Su screams at you, and you wince.
“Yeah, but I couldn’t see you get hurt, and that was a lot. Even the best of us need help sometimes.” You say as you rub the back of your neck. She just shakes her head at you and brings you in closer.
—-
After all the crazy moments and discovering the bald man named Zaheer, had all the airbenders, team avatar went after him, and though you wanted to join in on the fight, Su asked you to stay, and while you do love her, you aren’t sure if you can.
She pulled you aside after the meeting into a small room that was almost never used. “(y/n), I can’t have you in danger again, especially now that you’re an airbender, you’re a bigger target for Zaheer. Please don’t go. I can’t have you getting hurt.” Su says quietly while holding your hand and searching your eyes. You really struggled, you wanted to say okay to make her feel better and happy, but you had to help.
“Su, I-“
She stopped me by kissing me on the lips, and I think I just died… Is this the spirit world? Sparks shout out from my closed eyelids, and I pulled her in closer to my body as if this was a dream I was hoping to never awake from. Eventually we both pulled away for air, and searched each others eyes while resting our foreheads together. I eventually spoke up, “okay… I’ll stay back.”
Su visibly sighed and relaxed against my body, and I held her tight and kissed the top of her forehead. I’m not comfortable with the idea of her going out alone, but I heard Kuvira can’t go, and someone needs to stay back to keep her from taking over the kingdom.
—-
I hope you all enjoyed this, and sorry it went so long!! I just ramble a lot in my head, and it kinda comes out as word vomit, and this is what you get… Please leave a like and comment for support!!
Also side side note: I know you choose #6, but I wanted to switch it up!!
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PLEASE dig more into the intricacies of ghoul and gogo's relationship I'd LOVE to hear more!!
OH THANK GOD, i have SO MANY THOTS about this relationship
im putting this under a cut because it got. ridiculously long lmao. im sorry you can indulge me if you want
one of the hardest things about writing ghouls pov is that he is, consistently, a ridiculously unreliable narrator. their awareness of themself and other people is on so many different levels of disordered thinking and his sense of self is so distorted by a chemical cocktail of neuroses, compartmentalized trauma, and a lifetime of severe self-loathing. they’re like ten layers deep into this mental bullshit and don’t have the tools to unpack it. whenever ghoul meets someone new, theres a fundamental paranoia and fear regarding what their motives might be in regards to him. thats why they approach everything with so much defensiveness and the general assumption that someone has an ulterior motive. this is actually pretty common coming from kids with roughed up backgrounds like ghoul’s. unprompted kindness absolutely terrifies him because they assume theres some kind of trick there - historically, all the people in his life who were supposed to be “safe” weren’t so this is one of the rules of the world that ghoul’s internalized as fact. and because ghoul is scared basically all the time they tend to grab that fear and channel it into being angry instead because that nets him more control of the situation.
basically: ghoul is two thousand tons of radioactive maladaptive coping mechanisms packed into a five foot two goblin who hates the idea of being scared all the time and has chosen instead to channel all that fear into being An Absolute Nightmare.
narratively, i needed ghoul to have at least one positive relationship in his life so that there was a basis for some good relationships in the fabulous four collective. i needed ghoul to have some kind of context of “this is what it’s like to trust someone, this is what it’s like to love someone so goddamn much you’d do unspeakable things to keep them safe, this is what it’s like to have someone in your life who has your back unconditionally.” granted, thats not how this relationship ended, but at least for a minute there, gogo and ghoul had each other’s backs. that was important because i needed ghoul to have some experience in navigating a positive relationship.
it wasn’t originally gonna be newsagogo, but i did know that gogo was gonna cross paths with ghoul prior to their run-in with poison and kobra - this was something i settled on sometime while i was writing part two of “starry-eyed.” gogo was meant to be a) one of the ways to contextualize a lot of the Shit in the zones that ghoul didn’t have an opportunity to learn about on their own time and b) one of the key ways that ghoul gets to cement a real genuine sense of justice. prior to that, ghoul had this unfocused hatred of bli the way most people in the zones do but didn’t have a real big picture understanding of how best to chip away at that kinda construct. the closest thing to it was gangs that were super bloodthirsty and liked to hunt dracs for sport but these groups weren’t interested in dismantling the institution of bli, just the catharsis of blasting dracs to hell and back. so when i got to this run-in proper, there were enough similarities in their characters (both tech-heads, both with some deep-seated vendettas against bli, both prone to couching their Real Problems in humor and deflection, etc.) for me to go “hang on.....what if....” and i could kill 2 birds with one narrative stone.
that being said oh man i did not expect writing that relationship to hurt the way it did.
because on a lot of levels, these two really got each other! ghoul can read gogo’s expressions and body language so easy. ghoul, like jet, is an extrovert; he recharges best around people they trust. gogo’s the same. like, one thing i feel like i didn’t do well enough in that chapter was cement that, objectively speaking, gogo didn’t strictly need ghoul’s help. newsagogo is fully capable of setting up and running that station all on their own. ghoul suspected this from the start, sure, but gogo has a good grasp of tech and could probably do most of the setup herself. BUT she offers this hand to him because she doesn’t like running this station alone. she likes people and likes being around people - hence why she’s so desperate to get herself really networked into the desert and capable of calling up other dj buddies of hers. it’s pretty common practice for a dj to have a partner or team to back them up (in case they need a runner, in case they need to pack their stuff and go, in case they need someone to spot them, etc.) so gogo was in the market for that - and ghoul was a good candidate. a tech-brain, someone good with radios and obscure gear? that’s ideal runner material, and gogo doesn’t have to do this shit on her own.
and newsagogo was a really good influence on ghoul in a lot of ways. she’s the first person to go “hey let’s just do shit for fun” without any ulterior motive. takes them out drinking for fun, likes to drink soda on the roof for fun (this did not always end well but the intention was in the right place). that’s a new thing for ghoul, who’s always felt fundamentally unwanted. in every group and crew and relationship he’s had prior to this one, there was always the undercurrent of “they’re using me. they’re using me and once they’re done using me they’re gonna ditch me or kill me.” so while gogo’s doing these casual bonding activities ghoul is like WHAT IS THE ULTERIOR MOTIVE HERE and their paranoia is eating away at him and theres really honestly no other shoe that needs to drop here but thats not something that registers on ghoul’s radar.
even with that rocky start ghoul was picking up a lotta stuff from gogo, like that aforementioned sense of justice. and it was with a positive relationship like that one that i could bring out just how person-oriented fun ghoul is. like, the way i write the fab four, someone like party poison is task-oriented. fun ghoul (and jet star, actually) are both person-oriented. that’s why fun ghoul becomes so ride-or-die for newsagogo. this is actually like...their default state of being if allowed to get close to people lol. fun ghoul has a distorted sense of self that causes him to rank their own safety and self-worth way below everyone else’s along with a default propensity to love people...deeply. ghoul loves people ungently. they love people with everything they are. will easily put himself in a position to die if it means that the people they love are safe. part of this is setting up just how easy it was for the fab four and ghoul in particular to make that suicidal, sacrificial call in “SING” but part of this is just who fun ghoul is as a person. so when gogo gets hurt, ghoul goes ahead and conjures up every scrap of leverage he has against tommy chow mein and basically sets it on fire because that’s what ghoul loving someone is like. it’s ghoul trying to take apart anything that threatens the people they give a shit about and being wholly capable and willing to set himself on fire to keep the people they love warm.
they complimented each other incredibly well in a way that surprised me. like, ghoul gets people in a way gogo doesn’t, and vice versa. gogo has the attack plan and knows how they intend to set about dismantling bli with careful, calculated movements, but ghouls the one that suggests “hey, you know that if youre a dj you actually have a lot of political capital in the zones, technically??” like not with those words but thats the basic gist behind what they suggested. prior to that it didn’t occur to gogo to use DJing as a route to get what they needed but DJs have a lot of clout in the zones with the right crowds and ghoul’s hunch turned out to be correct. gogo’s the person who can do the face-to-face interactions in a clear and concise way, who can sell good headlines on the airwaves, but ghouls the one who comes at those interactions with the requisite suspicion to realize when things could be off - it’s that paranoid initiative that saves gogo’s life when that bomb goes off.
ofc once ghoul realized that they gave this much of a shit about newsagogo he immediately tried to stop thinking about it because this kind of unconditional caring for someone? that’s brand new. and it terrifies the shit out of him. because all of a sudden, ghoul doesn’t have the handy back door that they’ve always had. if shit really gets bad, he tells himself consistently, they can just leave. they can ditch whoever they’re with and it’ll be fine. but when ghoul gives this much of a shit about someone, the idea of leaving feels like trying to carve your heart out with a spoon. every time gogo expressed this casual affection ghoul does his best to brush it aside or willfully forget it - but they dont, really. subconsciously that’s always there. and no matter what kind of bad blood manages to end up between them, ghoul can’t forget that this is the first person who he actually wanted to call a friend; they keep that pendant gogo gave him for the rest of their life.
but ultimately, the pair of them fell apart because they both grew in such a way that they couldnt be in each other’s lives forever. gogo prioritizes the cause over her interpersonal relationships; that’s just the kind of person they are in this stage of rebellion against bli. gogo can look at her personal happiness and acknowledge that something like that is secondary to their goals. war is about sacrifice and gogo understands this. newsagogo knows that she might not survive to the end of it, knows full well that their agents might not survive to the end of it, and has accepted these consequences. losing some of their agents doesn’t shake gogo the same way it does ghoul.
because ghoul’s the kind of person who can’t accept that. this is the first positive relationship he’s had in their life and he doesn’t wanna lose it. he doesn’t wanna lose newsagogo over a big blanket cause. the seeds for that kind of “will die bleeding for this cause” are there, but ghoul is a socially-oriented person and very person-oriented in general. and fundamentally, fun ghoul is a deeply compassionate person who can’t help but empathize: the micro will always supersede the macro. it’s easier for ghoul to charge into battery city to save a little girl than it would to charge into battery city for a vaguely defined reason that might further a broader cause.
unfortunately, because gogo and ghoul had two such different approaches to this and because ghoul is a volatile person, they did that thing where uh. again, this is pretty common in abuse survivors, but ghoul did that thing where he detonates their positive relationships because this was always a foregone conclusion to someone ensconced in so many paranoid maladaptive coping mechanisms and at least this way, with ghoul going off, the relationship gets to detonate in a way that ghoul can control. a lot of those moments where ghoul acts like an absolute little nightmare have to do with that notion of control; this way, fun ghoul gets to decide when and how the relationship ends and for someone who did not get a lot of control over anything in their early life, this is how he compensates.
i wrote this fuckin. tragic “friends who drifted apart, who didn’t see the cracks in the foundation of their relationship until they were using them to splinter themselves away from each other” with no basis in anything canon and fucked myself up over it and why did i do this?
this was an essay and a half but yeah feel free to yell at me about newsagogo and fun ghoul cause THATS a niche fucking friendship i didnt expect to mess me up the way it did
#danger days#fun ghoul#newsagogo#anon#*fabrication#i feel like i didnt even touch on everything lol#me tears in my eyes: im doing this for narrative purposes. it is for narrative purposes#i tricked myself into caring about this friendship and then it hurt. oh lord but it hurt#oh yes almost forgot: cw for some brief mention of abuse#its more like 'this is a mindset significant/common to abuse survivors' but stay safe friendos#ohhh my god tumblr what did you do to cut feature why is it like that#functional. functional website!
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Long Away
cus its what he says when he answers a phone!!! get it??
Brian May x F!Reader, NSFW
A/N: my first Brian fic!!! finally here!!! not my best but ok ::)) ALMOST 6k words rip its one step to being done w my list so thats good!! n ilhsm wow :::”””))) uuhhhhh this is the third in a series oh phone smut!! I did Rog (Calling All Girls) then Deaky (Pain Is So Close To Pleasure) n now Bri n I am DONE!!! YEET took my forever tho I’ve been kinda blocked lately rip ::// also u all should know I listened EXCLUSIVELY to 39 on repeat while writing this,,,,,
Warnings: SMUT, phone sex,, mutual masturbation, language, not the best writing ive ever done lol, the boys being adorable at the end rip except roger the lil shit
“So, what were you thinking about to get you up so late, or, uh, not so late?” You couldn’t remember. You laughed as you pushed the cooking eggs around the pan, watching them slowly brown. They sizzled and popped in the quiet morning air, the only other noise echoing through the small apartment being those of your conversation. The phone was caught between your ear and your shoulder, cold and hard against your neck but warmed from the several minutes of your standing at the stove, waiting intently for your lover’s response. Your nose filled with the metallic scent of Brian’s scrambling egg substitute ears the same with the subtle buzz of a landline, and eyes squinting in the bright early sun sneaking between the thin blinds. The morning was calm and there was nothing better to wake up to than Brian’s sleepy voice, jet-lagged and soft, affected by the time difference between wherever it was he was touring and your home. A chill pecked at your skin, body shivering, starting at your head and shaking you down. The phone nearly fell from the cramped crux of your neck and shoulder as you felt the cold rush through you then escape, catching the speaker with a small exclamation. The panhandle, to contrast the rest of your apartment, was warm in your hand, and the anticipation of your meal kept you going, even if you could barely keep your eyes open.
“I missed you,” the voice on the phone started, interrupted by a yawn which was followed by one of your own, mouth wide and eyes closed. You raised your brows at your own reaction and covered your mouth instinctively. Giving the pan one more shake, you leaned over the flame, heat hitting your face and you decided your meal was more than ready to eat. On the other end of the line, Brian could hear your breakfast sizzling in the background as you slid the scrambled eggs onto a plate, guiding utensils clinking on the porcelain. Before he’d finished, you’d taken a small bite of egg, picking at it with your fingers, hissing at the temperature and moving it quickly to your mouth, tasting the bland spread before taking the warm plate to a table. “That and I was reminiscing about that Christmas at your Aunt Sally’s-” he finished.
When he spoke, an animalistic noise left your mouth as you choked on your food, the first bite not making it down your throat as you stood at the counter, “BRIAN-” You couldn’t finish your words or your bite as you began to laugh, only grateful no bits of yellow egg substitute shot out your nose. Your shoulder was relieved of duty as you moved the phone to your hand and took your plate to the small table you had set against the wall, regaining your composure as you sat down. You attempted another bite and just laughed, picturing his surely offended face, feeling your own heat up. “Darling, what were you doing thinking about something like that?”
The guitarist repeated himself with more conviction and implication, “I miss you, [Y/N].” He’d called, you realized, with very specific intentions. Between the sounds of your fork scraping your plate and your own chewing, you could barely make out the shifting sounds of a zipper coming undone on the other end of your call. “I really miss you.” You smiled and looked down at your half-finished food, the heavy want in his word dangling around your lobes like a pair of diamond earrings.
Glancing at the clock, you considered how much time you could get away with spending alone inside without your ‘concerned’ neighbors becoming too suspicious. “It’s a bit early for me.” Your voice was amused but muffled through a mouthful of breakfast food. You scooped another bite into your smiling mouth, leaning down to catch it and snorted a bit, thinking about your long bodied boyfriend laying spread out on some small futon in the floor, desperately trying to get some privacy in a temporary home with paper thin walls. “What time is it in Japan again, love?”
Brian grunted, obviously struggling with his tight jeans, “S’bout 7, I suppose.” There then came a loud clatter and you ripped the speaker from your ear with an uncomfortable expression. The man on the other end cursed and came back to the phone quickly, “Sorry, love, fucking floor is slippery as all hell-” He huffed and you let out a pained laugh at his fumble.
You smiled sympathetically. “Aren’t you staying with a family tonight? Are you sure you can do this right now, Bri?” Leaning back from your empty plate, you helped one leg up on your on the seat of your chair. This was to spread your thighs for easy access, but you refrained from touching yourself just yet, allowing your wetness to grow. You were becoming aware of your physical self, the softness of the t-shirt fabric tight on your shoulders and the elastic of the underwear you wore sitting fit at your belly. Neither articles of clothing actually belonged to you, which only made your core grow even hotter.
The man on the phone was breathing heavily now as he answered, “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter much, love, ‘cus I’m doing it anyway.” He panted and sighed with a muted thud following.
You stifled a concerned laugh, “And what if someone walks in? It’s not like they’d be asleep or something.” One hand held the phone to your face still and the other sat anxiously between your teeth, “I mean, I don’t know if you want another repeat of Aunt Sally’s-”
“I quite enjoyed Christmas.” No doubt, a shit-eating grin stretched across his face. “In fact, I quite enjoy every trip we take to Aunt Sally’s.” Yes, you could see it, absolutely smug and toothy.
You practically spit at the phone, “Oh, shut it, May, you aren’t the one living with the constant comments about how we nearly gave her a heart attack. My poor nan didn’t need to know I was,” you mimicked your grandmother’s deep and accusatory tone and your fingers were bent in air quotes, “sexually active.”
Brian laughed, deep and round, more like a hum that you could practically feel vibrating in your ear. God, you wished he was here. “Speaking of being sexually active-” ‘Smooth transition’, you thought. “I’ve got a bit of a predicament here, to be perfectly blunt, and perhaps,” syllables at the end of his sentence dragged long, “you could help me out?”
You leaned your head back in the wooden chair and finally let your bent leg fall to the side and open up your crotch to contact. The cotton of your boyfriend’s briefs were soaked through and hot to the touch as you let the pads of your fingers prod at the dampness. A long exhale carried through the call to your lover and he shuddered in response. “Alright,” you chuckled softly, “give you something to think about- Better than Aunt Sally’s.” You raised your brows and though you couldn’t see him, you were sure he raised his as well, judging by the provocative laugh he let slip. “I suppose you want me to tell you what I’m wearing, huh?” You began, biting your lip and letting a mischevious smile connect your cheeks.
The scent of him stayed on his clothes and you were carrying it with you. His shirt almost fit you almost as well as it fits him, God knows how tight he wore them. His briefs, which were no longer clean and now instead were dark with your leaking arousal, fit you perfectly, actually, waistband stretching around the pouch of your stomach and crotch. When pulled up, they hugged your hips and mound beautifully. Of course, had Brian not been so thin and so fond of the fashionable skin tight clothing, your frequent adorning of his tees and unmentionables would have literally been less fitting. While your boyfriend was a stick of a man he still somehow still managed to completely envelop you in his embrace.
Brian’s heavy breathing clouded your hearing. “Please- Please do,” he said softly, “What’re you wearing, love?” Not realizing you’d paused so long, so enraptured in his sounds and the pictures you’d logged of him, you guessed he was becoming impatient. From the small pants, little bursts of hot breaths, you could hear his actions. He must have had his long talons wrapped firmly around his length and you doubted he’d undressed at all, judging by the rustle of clothes that came with every movement.
Your teeth held your lip tight considering your answer to his question. “Yours,” you said breathlessly, a soft laugh slipping out. Cold digits pushed your lover’s underwear to the side and slowly slid up and down your slit, collecting the warmth of your discharge on your middle finger. Your nipples, already hard from the morning air, only grew more sensitive and strained against the thin fabric covering them, not able to shield any silhouette of your arousal. You gasped at the chill that hit your clit when you made contact. “Your, uh,” you shivered, “your shirt and your briefs, Bri-”
“My briefs?” He asked, incredulous and amused. You were sure he was smiling, cheeky stretched with pride.
You continued playing with yourself, not yet penetrating your core but tracing small circles around ur bud, slowly to not excite yourself too much. You wanted to wait and really enjoy the call, but the longer you waited, exposed and just absorbing your lover’s voice, the harder it got. “Yes, your briefs, the little pink ones,” you smiled, “but you’re gonna have to wait ‘til I wash them to get them back.”
“How wet are you?” His voice is laced with expectancy and strain as he interrupted.
Two fingers spread your lower lips apart, opening yourself up to the cold dampness of his indeed soaked underwear. “Absolutely soaked,” your voice was lowered now, just slightly, “and it’s all thanks to you.”
The musician hummed again and his voice seemed to drop an octave, “I bet you are, just for me,” he trailed off, the words lost in his heavy breaths. “You always look so fucking beautiful in my clothes. You look so,” you heard a sharp inhale and he sighed, finishing his statement with more conviction, “mine.”
The ball in your throat went down hard, swallowing his words with a struggle. Mine. You loved it. You adored him and being his and him being yours. It wasn’t possession between you two, and if it was, it was mutual, but it felt more like belonging than anything else. Brian had a light around you that only seemed to shine through your presence, and you were sure it was mutual. He felt like no one else ever had and you loved him for it.
The more aroused you got at the thought of him stretched out in some small, inappropriate place, the more your senses tunneled. This focus spread from your outsides in, your head to your heart, your ears, your mouth, your eyes, your heart. Though it wasn’t usually loud at this hour, any noises from the outdoors drained. The backs of your eyes were pasted with images of Brian like a wave overcoming you, his magnificent hair the foam crashing against the sand of your thighs and the curves of his back rolling like the current on a stormy day. He was the high tide and you were the rocks on the beach waiting to be smoothed over and washed away. You were taken with him and he was all you wanted. It was almost enough to imagine him, practically able to feel him, around you, hands on your stomach and sliding upwards. It was almost enough.
The lanky, 6’2” guitarist was cold and cramped on the floor of the small bathroom. The telephone he held to his ear tethered him to reality, but your voice pushed him further into fantasy. You were in his clothes, ass tight and shapely in his own briefs, tits barely held back by his shirt. He could see you in the morning chill, nipples unintentionally hardening in reaction to the temperature. He wanted to be there so badly to push that shirt up or just rip it off you, he didn’t care. He just wanted to keep you warm with his body on yours.
Every time his calloused palm slid down his length he closed his eyes and pictured you, in the kitchen of all places, legs wide open with the dampness of the borrowed undergarments staring him down. Growing uncomfortable spending so long leaning up against the wall, he shifted, his extended leg hitting the door in his small confines. It echoed more than he would have liked to, the hardness of his clog against the thin door causing a worrisome amount of noise, but he hoped not enough to draw any attention to him. With his other knee folded sideways under him, it wasn’t the most comfortable pose, but it stopped the door from opening, protecting what shred of privacy n dignity he had left, though he supposed that left the second he moaned at the sight of you in his clothes.
Brian’s long, practiced fingers wrapped fully around himself as he slouched on the floor beside the tub, using the edge of it as support so he didn’t slip onto his back. His pace was slow and teasing, to the rhythm of your light breaths, wafting through the small speaker at his ear. Up and down, every inch of his cock not covered by his large hand was cold and damp and any contact to it made him bite back a moan. “Where are you?” A softer voice came to him, cutting through his pleasurable haze.
He took in a breath and raised his brows, “The bathroom,” he started, “small bathroom, besides the tub-”
“Do you think anyone knows you’re there?” He bit his lip at your question, “Do they know you’re there, dick out and hot, all hot, for me? Do they know it’s because of me?” Before the man could reply in your pause, you continued, “Can they hear you as I can?”
Brian chuckled softly, letting his pillowy bottom lip slip from between the cage of his teeth. “I think they’ve figured it out, and if not yet then they will.” He closed his eyes and listened to you.
Every time you spoke he thought of your lips, everything they did so well. They pressed against him, his lips, his eyelids, all along his jaw and neck then down his chest. You always looked up at him with those shiny eyes, eyelashes like curtains and your mouth suctioning to his hip bones. Old bruises suddenly became apparent through his open shirt and he could feel you, wet and swirling your teasing tongue across his skin. Worse, he imagined his hand, damp from his pre-cum spread down his shaft, was those same lips responsible for the fading but still pink spots that littered his torso. Wrapped around him, smooth and slick with your tongue putting pressure on his head, sliding over him and sucking- He audibly gasped.
“Tell me what you would do,” he spoke with strangulation from his want, “if you were here and they could hear you.” With his head leaned back, he eagerly awaited your response ut his mind was already running a hundred miles an hour with memories of you in tight spaces with him much like this. He was thin enough the square footage was no issue for him when it came to being with you. He already imagined you there, low between his legs and trapping him in your mouth, nails digging into his thighs, moans vibrating through his veins and bringing him to another level- But he wanted to hear it from you, all the ways you would use him first.
Floating around you like a mist was the scent of him that you’d shaken off his clothes in your movements, positioning and repositioning your self against the small wooden table in front of you to get the best angle to pleasure yourself. The sides of your fingers rubbed roughly against the hem of Brian’s briefs as you pushed one finger at a time past your soaking lips and into the cavern of your sex. Your back ached from the arch you held to support yourself on the surface before you. Two fingers deep in you couldn’t compare to his feeling, his length pleasantly stretching you. Scissoring your digits inside you, knuckles hitting and fingerprints pruning, you did your best to imitate exactly what you wanted.
Your answer was breathy and low, “I would want you under me, inside me.” You pictured him again, seeing his breath floating above his head and him pumping his cock in preparation for you, beads of arousal hitting your pussy as you knelt above him. “My hands on your chest,” you said slowly, lowly, “and I would sink down on your dick and I’m nice and tight and warm for you.” You pulled your fingers in and out of yourself with the soft sounds of your wetness echoing through the empty apartment. “God, I want you in me.” Thumb pressing against your clit, you so desperately wanted the assistance of your other hand but you didn’t dare lose your lover’s voice. It was an awkward angle at which you dug inside yourself and held your arm to stimulate your bud as well as scrape at your walls for some relief.
“Are your tits out?” You heard his voice and it pulled you back. He didn’t give you a chance to answer. “Take ‘em out. I love it when,” he took a breath and swallowed dryly, “when your tits are out when we fuck but don’t take my shirt off, alright?” You smiled and chuckled, moving with some difficulty to pull up your shirt, phone on your shoulder and hand now on your breast. Your head was back and your neck looked longer as it curved like the smooth silhouette of a seashell. The pointed bud of your breasts was rolling between your fingers and you moaned happily.
You slid in another finger and went down another knuckle. You could hear it, smell it, feel it all emanating from the tunnel between your thighs. You felt your face heat up the more involuntary sounds erupted from your the back of your throat. “Brian,” you would weakly call out for him every few minutes, “Brian, how close are you?”
Brian had stopped speaking except for the occasional muttering of your name, “Fuckin’ close-” Guttural groans you could tell were being choked back. “I wish you were here,” he whispered. You hummed in response, the building heat at your core overwhelming you. Like a wire slithering around a pump inside you, you felt the pressure would make you pop any second. Trying to beat your orgasm, your fingers sped up and your hands moved down to care for your clit as you had your breasts seconds before. You shook the pads of your fingers rapidly and desperately over the bundle of nerves and your other hand was knuckles deep in your cave, coaxing and curling to get you to that high.
One leg was extended and tense, stretched long in front of you, your toes just barely reaching the wall in front of you and the other bent at your side began caving in on you as your insides coiled up and your breath hitched. The ends of your nails reached that curve and you jolted forward with a loud, high pitched moan, “Brian, I’m-!” You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth and your eyes had trouble staying open as this tingling wave rushed through you and you came, grunting softly. The phone nearly fell from its place at your neck but you caught with a wet palm and held it, white-knuckled, to your ear, not depriving Brian of any part of your release. His name rolled off your tongue like a song stuck in your head, you couldn’t help it. He was the song constantly in your head and as your pleasure seeped through the cotton you sat on, past your fingers and onto the chair, he was all you could think about.
Brian was over the edge, trying so hard to wait for you. It was torture, every sound you made, and all he had was his imagination to accompany them. God, he would remember how beautiful you looked, first thing in the morning, waking him up with a hot, wet ‘good morning’. He squeezed the appendage in his hand, sucking in a sharp breath and shutting his eyes tightly. He could imagine your scent so vividly he swore you were there with him, that it was your hand getting him off and now his own. His knuckles hit the zipper of his pants with a soft click every time he pulled his hand down and he tucked the phone by his ear to use his other hand to frantically unbutton the rest of his shirt, which previously had been hiked halfway up his stomach.
His breathing was heavy and uneven, not steadying as he flung open his shirt in preparation for his finale. The newly exposed skin of his was glistening with a thin layer of sweat, the small bathroom carefully containing all the body heat he generated. The man went to hold the phone again with a grunt, going to push his lower back against the wall and sit straight up. “Brian,” he heard his name coherently drift to him from the lips of his unseen angel, “how close are you?”
He panted, “Fuckin’ close-” He was close, and he honed in on the images in the back of his mind, the rest of the room fading away for a moment. How he wished he could be sheathed in you right now, hilted and filling you, rather than depending on his own abilities to find his high. It was harder, but knowing you were there with him in spirit, wishing the same thing, made it easier. “I wish you were here,” to fuck me, to let me cum inside you, to kiss me, to let me kiss you, let me hold you, just to see you, any part of you- He couldn’t say anything more and put his energy into holding back his growls, boiling up from his stomach as the heat built up like a forgotten kettle whistling on a stove.
That when she moaned, in that small voice, the one she hated that only came out when she lost control. “Brian, I’m-!” He finished for her, or rather with her. His tongue stuck to the top of his throat and he choked back all the lewd noises fighting for escape and he came, begging and wildly jerking himself off with quick shakes of his fist. He pulled back, aiming his tip towards his upper body. He thought about you, about you spasming around him and your tight pussy walls rolling his head, pushing in and out of you. Your face, though, was responsible for his release, the shape of your mouth when you came with him, the way you bit your lip and pushed your jaw forward- It clearly drove him crazy.
His own face contorted to that ecstasy, hair sweaty and stuck to his cheeks, curling like a cupid’s and framing him beautifully. He smiled, all open-mouthed and toothy, and his eyes closed. His brows were raised, springing up as all the tension left his body, relaxation raining down on him as spurts of hot jizz landed on his chest. With his cock twitching in his hand, he grunted breathlessly, fully relieved of his physical need for you, for now at least.
The light fluid dripped down the veins on his dick and pooled in two places just above his belly button and at his pelvis. It lasted a few seconds and every breath he took quivered in his lungs as he was lowered from his orgasm. His seed leaked from his head and the fresh drips were hot on his skin as the dampness quickly got cold. Brian inhaled deeply and blinked quickly, the room coming back to him and his visions of you fading. You were silent on the on the other line, all that was coming from the phone being soft little pants that nearly got Brian back up again. With his limp extension lying on stomach and his mess seeping slowly down his body to the fabric at his waist, it suddenly occurred to him the dirtiness of the situation.
The guitarist cursed as he reached for a wad of toilet paper and began sopping up all the ejaculate before it could leave any stains on his clothes, especially considering how dark each piece he wore was. The phone was weakly balanced between his nimble fingers again and he listened to you do the same as him.
“That was fun,” you said, slouching on the chair, still covered in your own juices, hands and thighs slick with them. Your face still felt hot and you were sure you were, in the very least, pink if not red from the activity. “Quick, too, but no complaints.” You smiled and breathed slowly, filling with warm, tired air at every intake. You could hear your boyfriend rumble out a small laugh at your reply.
He hummed lowly and asked, voice slightly rough, “Have you gotten up yet?” As you had prepared to stand, you paused.
He stopped you in your tracks and you considered what had occurred to him so suddenly. “If you mean cleaning myself up,” you said with a sly smile and eyes squinted in anticipation, “then no, I guess.” You paused for a moment, “Guess I wanted you to linger a bit longer.”
Brian huffed at the thought of you still wet, soaking wet, and in his clothes, so hot and tight on you, waiting for his command. “Do something for me,” he started, the rasp in his voice still apparent, not bothering to clear his throat, “suck yourself off, your fingers-” He could hear you humming in response and it drove him to shudder, “Taste yourself and think of me.” He was now standing at the sink, leaning against the counter, back to the mirror, and hurriedly buttoning up his shirt, missing every other snap. He had to push the picture of you, fingers in your mouth and eyes low, cheeks flushed and lips soft and wet, he pushed them from his mind.
This was his final request tho he had no time to enjoy it as reality came rushing back to him and was suddenly aware of the sounds beyond the bathroom he’d commandeered. Dinner must have started and his time for privacy in the lull between the band’s return and their next meal was over.
A grin spread across your face as you took your middle finger and slid it up your dripping slit, doing as you were told. Without a word, you moaned and scooped the leakage from between your legs, the clear liquid slipping off your pruned pads. It dangled above your mouth and slipped in the digits slowly, letting every sound soak through your skin. You could feel your own pleasured little noises vibrating down your bones, lips clamped at your knuckles. You sucked, tongue scraping your leftover love off your fingertips and swallowing slowly. The sticky sounds, lewd and loud, echoed in the emptiness of your mouth and you pulled your hand away slowly, smacking your lips when you were finished.
The taste of your own pussy hung on your taste buds, salty and sweet, and you did think of him, of Brian, and how often he must have had such a flavor lingering on his lips after helping you out, all those times before practice when he would hoist you against a shelf and force his face so deep between your thighs you worried he’d never emerge. You thought about him plucking at the strings of his acoustic after lazily wiping his sticky fingers on his pants and his mouth on the back of his hand, or when he would kiss you, tongue first, immediately after your orgasm and the two of you melded together to create something wholly unique. You only wished you tasted him now in addition to or instead of yourself alone.
Brian was prepping himself to face the inevitable teasing of his mates, but then came a sound from your end of the call. Soft moans filled his ear, tracing their way past his curls and making him shiver. There was the quiet sound of suction, like a pop and a squish, those wonderful wet sounds only your mouth could make, that indicated to him you were indeed following his orders. “Fuck,” he whispered, pushing at arousal growing again in his trousers. He wasn’t strong enough to not fall victim to his own temptation. “I- I love you so fucking much,” he said quietly, “you’re such a good girl for me.”
A light smile graced his face and he sniffed, clearing his throat as you responded, “I love you, Brian.” Your voice was like a plush pillow and all the worries of confronting the boys that hung over his head evaporated and he wanted to see you. “You better go, right?”
The musician sighed, tucking the front of his shirt into his pants with some difficulty. He stared at the door and what he assumed on the other wide was a huddle of suspicious ears. “I suppose I should, shouldn’t I?” His fingers went to pinch at the bridge of his nose and his eyes shut tightly then slick his sticky, sweaty hair back with his palm, “Time to face the music, then.” He pushed himself off the sink and turned away from his exit for a moment, to send one more word to you, “I love you, [Y/N]. I miss you- I miss you so much,” he choked out.
“No sappy shit, Brian Harold May!” This time he really did choke. He let out a guffaw and shook his head. Your voice came barrelling out and he just laughed.
“Alright, darling, no ‘sappy shit’. Love you.” His tone was still soft and as your grace-filled ‘I miss you, too, love you’ came to him, he couldn’t help but grin as he finally hung up. Turning back to the door, he puffed out his chest, filling it with all his confidence, and he opened himself to the ready ridicule and questions that awaited him, leaving behind the sweat and sex-scented bathroom, phone still awkwardly sat beside the soap dispenser. “Way better than Aunt Sally’s,” he muttered.
The click ended the call and suddenly you were cold. Perhaps it was the absence of your lover’s voice, or more likely it was the mid-morning air on your damp skin that you finally felt since your arousal had cooled off. Your knees popped as you stretched them out in front of you, arching your back as well and whining like one of Freddie’s cats with the same elongated body. A heavy sigh left your lips and you stood, finding your balance, before taking your dishes from what seemed like so long ago to the kitchen sink. The clattered as they fell in and you leaned tiredly on the counter, unsure of what to do next. Actually, you did know what to do, but you didn’t want to do it. Stripping where you were, and shivering after, you tossed the dirtied garments on the soiled chair, their fabrics soaking up the wetness you left behind, and you headed to the shower.
One finger drifted to your mouth as you made your way into the steaming bathroom, certain words encircling your head still. ‘Taste yourself and think of me.’ You planned on doing a bit more of that before the day was done.
BONUS (w the boys):
Roger leaned against the granite top of the small kitchen’s island and carefully sipped his tea from a petite bowl while the other boys, John and Fred, chatted animatedly at the dark wooden dining table. On the other side of the table sat a small, elderly man smoking a pipe and reading a newspaper, seeming completely immersed in his reading. This was the husband of the older woman in the kitchen, small and frail looking, but carrying a large tray full of steamed vegetables with ease. She scurried past the drummer, who lifted his bowl and straightened up, allowing her to get through. She continued prodding at the platter as she set it on the table, swatting John’s hand away. Fred snickered until he did the same without getting caught, burning his finger on a steaming cauliflower.
Brian stepped into the entryway of the dining room and the bustle of dinner preparations suddenly went quiet as all eyes turned on him. The tall man swallowed dryly, losing his train of thought and any will he had to stay in the awkward situation he faced, “I was just going to, uh,” he pointed to the stairs behind him with his thumb, “scrub up for dinner, yeah?” He nodded quickly with pursed lips and attempted to smooth out his improperly buttoned shirt all while a heavy blush spread over his face. He gave a pained smile and a thumbs up as he stepped back before turning to race to the upstairs bathroom, clogs thudding loudly on each step.
Roger turned to look at the two seated musicians in a moment of silence as they heard a shower start. Then they all started laughing. Deaky snorted. The man behind the paper briefly glanced over his news to eye the boys before raising his brow and shaking his head, returning to his article.
“He had some fun, didn’t he?” Fred laughed, holding their bassist’s arm.
“Oh, I’m sure he did, by the sounds of it.” John bit back.
The blonde rolled his eyes and took another sip of his cooling drink, “I’d like to see the carnage he left behind, to be honest, I’m sure it’s a sight.” Over his bowl, his brows rose.
Fred smiled slyly, “Now do you mean the girl or the room?” Deaky laughed again, wiping at his wrinkling nose and turning to the third member behind them.
Rog hummed, “Mm, both of them.” He winked in the direction of the boys and they ‘ooed’ delightfully. A minute passed of them giggling at the thought of Brian huddled in a tub or sink, weakly moaning at the sound of [Y/N] telling him off.
The woman in the kitchen had finished prepping the table, filling the table with plates of meats and vegetables, arrays of sauces accompanying it all. Bowls of rice were placed at each place setting and it was a mouthwatering sight.
“Dinner is ready!” She announced proudly, clasping her hands together, accent laying like a sheet over every syllable. The men seated turned to attention at her words and looked to her for permission to begin. “Go on! Yes, eat!” She waved her veiny hands, urging them to dig in. John smiled brightly and began serving himself neatly while Fred started by picking at his foods before deciding if he wanted any. The man of the house served himself neatly with a still stoic expression and kept his paper close.
Roger growled as he set down his empty bowl and strut to his seat, coming behind the hostess overlooking the feast. He lightly pinched her side and she squeaked. With a wink, the drummed plopped down beside her, “You didn’t say anything about dessert, Mrs. Hayashi.”
#queen#bohemian rhapsody#borhap#she has a voice!!!#bohrhap#new blog#john deacon#roger taylor#joe mazzello#brian may#film#deaky#freddie mercury#ben hardy#fanfic#gwilym lee#reader insert#freddy mercury#nut#rami malek#queen x reader#smut#brian may x reader
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Ali & Carly
Ali: . . . – – – . . . Carly: ? Carly: nodded on your phone Ali: OG 🍑📞 Ali: nah save me Carly: it's pretty lemme just grab a 💄 really quick Carly: what's up baby? Ali: you are and I need distracting Ali: got band practice and I really have to Ali: missed the last two so she's dead moody Carly: go solo ill play a tambourine for you Carly: until you get famous anyway Ali: we'll get you those noise cancelling headphones they give to rockstars kids Ali: then you just gotta close your eyes n shine Carly: aw Carly: you're a 🍑 Carly: but before then I know how to sweeten up rockstars Carly: lots of jd is 🔑 yea so ill swipe ronans & its a party Ali: know that'll go down a treat Ali: almost as good as the ego stroke of calling them rockstars Carly: y you asked me its a not so hidden talent of mine Carly: strokes where needed Ali: 🎨 Ali: alright monet Ali: I'll try not to make it completely boring Carly: i have to take 5 to finish up here or he'll be dead moody Carly: so he's all you have to be more fun than Carly: & whats more boring than a horny lad when ur not feeling it Ali: easy Ali: I remember being that bored Ali: less memory more reliving but shh Ali: all fun and games yeah ✌ Carly: yea Carly: he gets it over quick tho some go & go without getting u anywhere Carly: ha Carly: ive got a home to go to sometimes boy Ali: he's very considerate like that Carly: i wont share it w him too big of a word for rn Carly: wheres this practice @ Ali: 'course not Ali: all he needs to hear is biggest and best Ali: memory serves Ali: in one of the other's garage Ali: so punk rock Ali: I'll come meet you Carly: long as he can call me a slut & I make the right noises it dont matter what I say Carly: thats every lad on here Carly: k well he's done so direct me Carly: u dont wanna meet me outside here Ali: if that's your jam, go off Ali: you mean you don't trust me not to 👊 your mans 😏 Ali: I started walking, call me a pessimist, Ronan 🤷 Carly: yea u kno for a good time call any of these caravans Carly: the old lady w the gnomes is a dark horse like Carly: i don't want u to see me looking this way ty ronan 💘 Carly: so rough about everything Carly: him & u ha Ali: she's living my dream, I remember her Ali: the pink trailer, like Ali: shoulda been going to see her if not you Ali: 🤡 Ali: you alright? Ali: you need a sec or Ali: idk, anything else Carly: her cats are living my dream Carly: lying in the sun all day, getting fat Carly: being loved whenever they ask Carly: i need a drink but im taking all of his its k Ali: duh Ali: only had it slightly better in ancient Egypt, like Ali: forever goals Ali: we'll drink it on the way Ali: need to see where to put their fingers Ali: not code for gay shit but like Ali: also Carly: theres lots they can have some as promised Carly: he owed me for all the 💊 Ali: you're sweet Carly: we can get your gf ☕ to dump it in thats the adult thing to do Carly: trying to make her happy not more mad Ali: she's 17 Ali: she just fronts a good game Ali: suppose one of us should Ali: #badgirlfriend Carly: ur the best wife tho Carly: ive missed u Ali: 😚 Ali: comments like that are why I've deffo missed you more Carly: aw Carly: comments like urs r why ill make today really fun for u Ali: 💚 Ali: we can make anything a party yeah Carly: yea Carly: but u gotta help me carry these drinks to cos i think my wrist was broken from all the coaxing that boy needs when hes been on it Ali: ugh, the struggle is so real Ali: though if you use that as an ice breaker they're all gonna look at you blankly Ali: fucking lesbian priviledge amirite Carly: i bet at least one of them's hurt their wrist trying to get a girl off Carly: half who go to our school r so uptight you need to check for sticks Carly: catholic guilt be like Ali: 😂 real Ali: but you gotta be on my side Ali: already outnumbered Ali: team bi for the day okay Carly: so i can talk about masturbating with my grandma's jesus cross or i cant Ali: you can Ali: that's a story whoevers company Ali: 'cept grandma, obvs Carly: punk rock enough? Carly: if theyre all as scary as ur lesbian im shotgunning more beers Carly: bag of recycling before we even get to the garage Ali: when she cares about the 🌍 Ali: 😍 Ali: they ain't, if we're being real Carly: dont want the earth to die Carly: its so pretty Carly: & fun Carly: k i wont have every can Carly: before we get there Ali: 👼🌟🌈🍓🐰👸 Ali: you Ali: and I'm literally just 'round the corner hold on Ali: not dragging my feet 'cos of you babe Carly: ur too sweet Carly: are you the singer & the guitarist or do they make you just do one cos youre too big of a 🌟 Ali: got it in one babe, I'm relegated to guitar #2 most the time Ali: at least you can own the stage more when you ain't so Carly: ill tell them you need to be 1st guitar & lead singer you're too talented for it to go to waste Carly: its sad Carly: but its cute that youre in a band together Ali: you wanna be backup baby? Carly: yea but i cant 😢😢 Ali: you can when it's just us though Ali: you're too pure for rock n roll anyway Ali: their brand of Carly: how you said that makes me think i need to drink more Ali: it's a good thing about you Ali: just saying though, my voice will be fucked by the end of this Carly: ill get you some 🍯 baby Carly: you can be 👼 again in no time Carly: church ready Ali: only if you coming with Ali: 😈 Carly: only if we do some more sinning first Carly: make it worth the walk Ali: naturally Ali: how we do Carly: k Carly: are all the band dating each other or just you two Ali: 😏 more and more apparent how straight you ain't tbh Ali: currently off again, I think Ali: they've all dated each other though, every which way you can combo it Carly: i have met a lesbian before ur rescued me @ that party Carly: been hit on by lots Carly: i kno they like to date in circles & all kinds of other shapes Ali: I bet Carly: aw don't be jealous Carly: i didnt like it Carly: ur my fave Ali: I'm not Ali: am glad I ain't giving off those predatory vibes though Ali: good to know, like Carly: you give off the best vibes Ali: 👼 energy, baby Carly: 🌟💙 Ali: let's hit 'em with it Carly: yea Ali: after she can drive us to a decent shindig 🤞 Carly: me & a car full of gays Carly: ronan will be in a mood ha Ali: always a bonus Ali: also always in a mood Ali: they really would get on if she could get over the whole man hate vibe Carly: ill bring him to the next rehearsal Carly: he thinks hes got what it takes Ali: 😏 Ali: I'll put my money on Mar Ali: poor boy Carly: steals my 🎸 every time he comes over Carly: i cant be impressed that you can play 2 chords baby boy I'm sorry Ali: 😩💦 Ali: even as relegated #2 I can do more than that Ali: promise Carly: me too & im only groupie #1 Carly: he still tries to teach me tho Carly: so boring Ali: 🙄 Ali: what a dickhead Ali: he just wants to be behind you to 'position' your hands, boys love that shit don't they Ali: I know how to play pool too so get off Carly: we should play my da taught me Carly: make some money & have some fun Ali: I'm down Carly: k Carly: cos i need to buy more 💊s he really did eat them all Carly: 😢😢 Ali: Babe Ali: I know a reliable lad Ali: invite him Ali: make it a party Carly: yea me & him been up since i saw you last how long ago was that? forever it feels Carly: be more fun away from site Ali: damn Ali: how the other half live Ali: I feel like I haven't had any fun since I last saw you Ali: get enough to take the edge of your comedown if nothing else or that'll be rough Carly: i wanted to invite u my baby but u kno how he gets Carly: hates that weve met Carly: ill make you feel good now promise Carly: hes had too much of my time Ali: worried that Imma tell you horror stories like you don't know him? Ali: backatcha 💚 Ali: swear Carly: yea he thinks my head's empty Carly: just a body like Carly: not that weve done school for years together or anything Carly: i kno i dont always go but boy come on Ali: you're miles ahead of him Ali: he only acts like he reckons that 'cos he don't want you coming to your senses and binning him off proper, like Carly: ur lil bro writes & reads better Carly: but hes a smart lil cutie Carly: what am i gonna do move the caravan in the middle of the night? no wheels is there Carly: stuck as fwb til he gets married his wife finds out & comes for me Ali: yeah he likes you too Ali: always chatting on when you coming 'round again so you know Ali: better hang some more, for his sake Ali: I know you got locks Carly: aw i love him Carly: always wanted a lil bro but my rents dont fuck no more so that ain't happening Carly: unless my dad knocks up someone younger Carly: u kno id lock myself out & end up round there Carly: ha Ali: lil blue pills don't fail us now Ali: ick Ali: should go to casa flamenco Ali: don't think she'd steal your stash Ali: oldies always have their own, the real good shit too Carly: that what ur calling it Carly: ill steal hers Ali: exactly Ali: 😍 #babe Ali: ronan who Carly: i do go older but not sure i could handle peeling back the wrinkles Ali: weak 😉 Carly: you seduce her for me, thats love Carly: & you wanna be under her anyway Ali: 'scuse you Ali: I'm happily married Carly: me too Carly: pimping me out to the older generation wasnt in the vows were it Ali: could've been Ali: you know how creative I am Carly: yea i do love that about you Ali: I 👀 you Ali: [runs up and takes some of the shit] Carly: [unnecessarily long hug moment because always] Ali: ['it does feel like forever'] Carly: [just rambling on about how much she's missed her & like all the compliments for how she looks/what she's wearing etc cos again always] Ali: [lbr she'd go all out for rehersals even so it would be a look, Ali lowkey fixing Carly up whilst checking 'cos was concerned but not gonna make it a Thing tm] Carly: [save her Ali she looks like shit rn & your gf don't need to be seeing her like that] Ali: [finishing by kissing her nose 'cos that is a thing] Carly: [😳 but really happy obvs & another hug cos they really have missed each other so] Ali: [walking and talking baby] Carly: [& letting Ali catch up with all the drinks Carly's had] Ali: [giving her the lowdown on the other bitches who are clearly not as scary as kstew] Carly: [you'd think she's not listening because 1. state of her & 2. how distracting Ali is in her lewk but she is] Ali: [is like soz it's boring but I'll make it fun] Carly: [she's like its not you're just pretty & also I'm saving you & making it fun] Ali: ['not about to beg but please do'] Carly: ['knew I should've locked that down in the vows' cos being flirty with it] Ali: ['too late now babe, 'less you make me wanna renew'] Carly: [is just like yeah okay will do, soz kstew but we know its true so] Ali: [turning up to your function, imagine kstews face oop] Carly: [Carly handing the booze out cos she's a babe while kstew talks shit on her by pulling Ali aside like we said] Carly: u want me to go? Ali: [Ali tryna explain but also being kinda over this mood like why can't she be here, u lowkey know why but you know] Ali: no Ali: don't Ali: I'll sort it Carly: k Carly: [Carly just drinking a little bit too hard cos the vibe is wrong & her anxiety don't need this thank you ladies] Ali: [just walking away and being like okay come on let's start 'cos can't argue if you're playing] Carly: [pissing about on some spare instruments while they're setting up cos awks] Ali: I've text the lad Ali: reckons 10 minutes 👍 Carly: 💙🌟 Carly: ty Ali: [ooh crimson and clover 'cos joan did it and it'd be a sexy moment so blatantly directed at carly] Carly: [Carly literally 😍 harder than her gf is, oops] Carly: [& so many compliments as soon as the song is over before kstew can get a word in, god bless] Ali: [gently/not being a patronizing dick with it showing her dance moves and stuff like getting her involved without being like you have to perform now lol] Carly: [k stew fuming like now the WARM UP is done we should play OUR songs we all know the type like excuse you everyone is having fun especially my sweet baby angel] Ali: [being like oh but I just learnt this song it's got a good bass bit we should do that, overruled lol] Carly: [has to go with it cos no argument she can make that won't sound petty as hell and not trying to look like that bitch in front of the squad] Ali: [doing electric feel for the gay sexiness] Carly: [Carly even more into it cos a song she knows cos lets say she don't know the glory of our cat song just because so its such a moment okay bye] Carly: [Marlene calling a 🚬 break immediately after cos fuming & that can also be when Drew comes] Ali: [as if you weren't fuming enough there's how a man here 😍 at your woman, also giving them droogs] Carly: [meanwhile Carly ain't noticed cos sharing a 🚬 with the prettiest & least intimidating lesbian perched on her lap like so cosy....way to kill Ali babe we know she's special but let her know please] Carly: [hops off to get her drugs but still a moment] Ali: [these other girls just stirring the pot rn lmao] Carly: [that girl being like you should come out with us & Carly's like yeah cos she's pure] Ali: you know this one's flirting with you too, yeah? Ali: 😏 Carly: ha Carly: shes nice Ali: yeah Ali: pretty cute Carly: u kno the dealer wants to fuck you tho yea Carly: hes pretty Ali: obvs Ali: his hairs a bit naff but yeah Carly: ur gf is gonna drag him out by it Carly: let me slip him my number first ty Ali: lol 🙄 Ali: better you have his, no Ali: 💊 Ali: idk why she's the fun police today Carly: k good idea Carly: [goes to get his deets] Carly: she's so mad Carly: u gotta love me more when shes not around Ali: i ain't done nothing Carly: shes jealous of me like i am of her Carly: two girls one 💙 Carly: [lowkey flirting with Drew before he gets thrown out] Ali: hmm Ali: maybe you can duel Ali: [helping herself 'cos they clearly got enough to go around 'cos Drew's easy lol] Carly: 😢😢 Carly: you want me to be killed Ali: don't be silly Ali: not very gentlemanly of her, she'd never Ali: for someone so punk she loves following rules you know Carly: y u like her or y ur bored? Ali: [casually loling at her phone like what you think] Carly: [a moment of eye contact soz kstew] Carly: y dont i kno this lad? Ali: idk Ali: he wasn't always that cocky Ali: maybe his pubes came in Carly: ha Carly: ill find out Carly: gotta b known as the school slag not the girl who pissed herself on the stage Ali: more catchy Ali: I get it Carly: u only remember our wedding day i kno but it tends to stick in everyone else's memories Carly: a day of bad vibes Ali: I remember you but not like that Carly: hope its not worse Carly: how you do Carly: [casually taking too many 💊 to deal with the bender she's been on with the gypsies, you know Drew will remember her like this] Ali: nah Ali: you were cute Ali: and nice when all these random english kids showed up Carly: cos you were cuter Carly: im always nice to the pretty ones Ali: 💘 Ali: s'a good line walsh, you get it off him n all Carly: 💔😢 Carly: i love you i dont need him feeding me those kind of lines Carly: we gotta crush some of these tho its gonna take forever to kick in Ali: only joking baby don't be sad Ali: [comes over and helps 'cos why not kstew already furious her band practice has descended into anarchy] Carly: [using a shoe she's wearing for once to crush pills casually but stops to put her head on Ali's shoulder cos is sad lowkey] Ali: [gives her top of the head kisses] Carly: [is smiling again & telling her how much she missed her again and all that good gay content while Marlene fumes in the distance] Ali: [whispers like sorry for the bad vibes and I am gonna fix this 'cos she knows it's been fucked but realistically don't know what she's doing about it yet 'cos where do we stand] Carly: [kisses her on the forehead cos that big brain always thinking & worrying & she know] Carly: u wanna 👃 or 👅? Ali: 👃 Carly: yea dont want a numb mouth Carly: no fun Ali: probably would help my throat but kinda 'bout that smokes and drinks a 40 a day vibe so Ali: soz to my nasal cavity in advance Carly: the 🍯 is coming as promised Carly: [puts enough powder in her hand for Ali to snort, how intimate excuse them like she could have used her own hand or any surface Carly but go off] Ali: you're sweet enough darling Ali: [soz kstew just gals being pals 'cos obvs returning the favour and 'holding her hair out the way' aka stroking it] Carly: [when you more about that intimacy than the drug you're trying to take] Carly: aw Ali: [moment being ruined by some kind of unignorable strop moment from marlene clearly so she has to go and have an argument brb] Carly: should i go now? Ali: wait for me Ali: please? Ali: outside if you like or whatever, I'm being selfish but Ali: I ain't staying either Carly: k Carly: [is outside quietly singing a little mash up of both gay covers while she waits, just little bits of lyrics she likes from each lol] Ali: [not tryna drag this out and clearly we can't let it get to let's break up point so] Carly: lets go have some real fun Ali: [when she comes out, resting her arms on her shoulders and spinning her 'round and 'round like let's go] Carly: [is loving life again bye bitches] Ali: ['we can do anything we wanna' means now but also like always] Carly: [is buzzing because her life is literally so stagnant already like what a welcome premise & hugs her cos that's what she wants to do, always gotta be touching] Ali: [and hand holding] Carly: [complimenting her AGAIN as they going along cos she's a really good singer tbf so] Ali: [chatting away 'bout the kinda music she wanna do and what the band is about and starting her own etc but also about how pretty Carly's voice is and how it's too precious for the stage anyway] Carly: [okay but after they've nerded out over music Carly be like 'wait for me' runs into a shop really quick & buys Ali some honey for real cos she that nerd & presents it to her really happily wrapped in her headscarf or something cos again nerd] Ali: [you know how buzzing and touched she'd be 'cos also that nerd, being like you're such an angel and imma get you something so special etc] Carly: [Carly like you gotta eat it tho & opens it right there like she gonna drip it into Ali's mouth if she don't how gaaaaaay, steals some with her finger too obvs cos cute but also accidentally sexy all the time] Ali: [winnie screeching in the distance] Carly: [gets a phone call from her mum & answers in this state cos no fucks given on either side & then turns to Ali like my turn to take you to a family bbq cos I think the contrast would be hilarious so we should but not now cos give them some alone time @ god] Ali: [is down 'cos she's not a snob unlike someone we know rosalin and she'd be lowkey about it 'cos any excuse to spend time] Carly: [ronan will 100% be there cos hilarious like you gotta fight him Ali tbh] Carly: [just rambling about how much she loves Ali rn though cos always] Carly: 💙🌟🐝👼🚀 Ali: [backatcha and dropping the charity shop plan] Carly: [is so down obvs like little kid levels of excited] Ali: [running thru the streets of dublin like babes] Carly: [god fucking bless] Ali: [charity shop crawl so wild like leave 'em be world] Carly: [like how pure that they think of cat lady Ro & kstew would never bitch] Ali: [probably making friends with all the nice old ladies in there/horrifying the old bitches tho too lol] Carly: [this is why Carly makes my heart hurt cos she'd wanna be friends but would probably horrify lol] Ali: [tbf they are high] Carly: [as per again let them live peeps its summer] Ali: [should steal something but like something really tiny and silly 'cos sinning and stealing from a charity shop is pretty bad in a cute way somehow lol] Carly: [but leaving shoes behind or something cos barefoot life so the universe is balanced] Ali: [and ali would buy stuff for 'em both but making sure carly knows this ain't THE gift 'cos wants to swag that lol] Carly: [okay but can they also come back to buy homewares for the caravan when she gets her own thanks bye] Ali: [absolutely, just window shopping rn how you do like 'when I have my own place' but saying we 'cos #married] Carly: [Ali can actually get one of the actual things when cos its still there, oh my heart]
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Lu new rules is always worth the wait. I love it when the OC stood up to him. And Jungkook being whatever he’s trying to do is leaving us in suspense. But last the scene is perfect. I can picture that scene as if I was watching a drama. Especially when she say “it’ll be easy getting over you” and turn around VERY slowly. Gosh I just want to cry cause it’s beautifully written. JK probably scare that he’s not good enough for her?JEON JUNGKOOK you get on my nerves but I still love him.
jjiritjjiritgirl said:ohmygod the new chapter for new rules is so good ohmygod like i had to pause a lot when oc was calling jungkook out for being a coward. i wasnt the one going off but DAMN that felt good.
luxinfired said:OH SHIT I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE NR UPDATE KXJABGZGQGHS Girl your writing is the best thing in the world! I love OC, she showed us her vulnerable side but then she goes and confronts Jungkook like that! That last scene was amazing, you tell them girl! Also I loved the conversation with Yoongi, I'm glad she was able to empathize with him immediately. I really want Yerin and him to find their own happiness, they deserve it~ Thank you for this wonderful piece of writing 💜
Anonymous said:jungkook a whole ass idiot
Anonymous said:Hi Lu!! U probably ddnt receive my ask from last time as well so Im writing this again! Well I just want to tell you that NR.11 WAS FUCKING AMAZING AND I'M SO SATISFIED WITH IT AND I CRIED! at first I expected OC to just yell at JK for his reaction when she confessed, thn have him tell her his story BUT SHIT SEEM SO DEEP HOLY SHIT! I feel so bad for oc and for the fact that she felt the need to say sorry? Thats kinda fucked up but I believe that's bc she was pretty shocked by his reaction[1–❄️🐰
Anonymous said:Also maybe I'm not the only one hatin' on JK, but damn boi better have a GOOD excuse to why the fuck is he being a pain in the ass, I mean.. I don't wanna judge him for his choices, but thats exactly what I wanna do BYE/ but like im pretty sure that he's been acting like a jerk to 'help OC get rid of her cancerous feelings' cuz I dnt think that he sees HER as a prob-in fact, he actually rly likes her- but he just cnt seem to accept her feelings that's so absurd.. [2—❄️🐰
Anonymous said:Like he was so happy to see her when he was with his team but once he remembered that he was supposed to ignore her he acted like he ddnt want to see her. And I really dnt know which part was he so embarrassed about when she came in calling him out in his own frat; was it bc she exposed his whipped ass in front of his we-dnt-do-feelings™ buddies? Or was it bc of sth else AMMA FUCKING SNAP! [3—❄️🐰
Anonymous said:And I really think that when OC told him that it's gonna be so easy to get over him now that he showed his true colors, like, I really think that it was a slap to his face. Cuz deep down, I dnt think he wants her to get over him and I know that shit will go down from here when the entire frat is mocking OC's speech, JM will know abt it, MJ might hear from him too AND HOPEFULLY SHE CAN KICK THE BULLSHIT OUT OF JK ONCE MORE! gosh Lu thank u so much for this amazing fic💕 u make my days😭[4/4]—❄️🐰
Anonymous said:holy mother of god wOW emphasis on the OW NR11 !!! Lu my god, idk how you've gotten me to love getting stabbed in the heart like this but !!! :,( thank you so much for updating and incorporating toxic masculinity and gaslighting into this chapter, they're such important issues and i just wish OC didn't have to deal with their effects. idk how long you're planning on making NR, all i hope for is that someone will treat OC right by the end *side-eyes JK, whispers "get it together, fool"*
Anonymous said:Thank you so much for yet another amazing chapter of NR!! I love how you write with so much detail about the thoughts of the OC when jk rejects her. For me, it heightens the emotions of the story so much and i love that I can feel what the OC feels - the initial embarrassment, the sadness, the anger. I also loved how the OC confronted JK and didn’t just dismiss her own emotions, acknowledging that they’re just as valid as JKs. Thank!!! You!!! :)
Anonymous said:hi lu! just wanted to day i love nr and that i appreciate the messages that you put in your writing. especially with the latest chapter, i relate so much to what nr yoongi is going through, and seeing that was a wonderful reminder that im not alone in this situation and that when you reach out, people will support you. again, thank you so much for writing and sharing these stories with us and i hope that you yourself have an amazing group of people who support and love you 💚💜
Anonymous said:I feel like waste it on me fits as bg music to the situation JK and OC are in after her confession in NR lol.. but anyways, just finished reading the latest chapter and wow. So many emotions. I'm so glad OC finally confronted JK, i love her fiery personality! Your writing really has me immersed in my own little bubble as I put myself in OC's shoes. Looking forward to the rest when the time comes, i'm curious to find out JK's backstory. Great work, Lu! 💕
Anonymous said:Ahh I just finished the update and its so heart wrenching. The emotions were so raw and realistic. And as hard as it was to read the pain the OC had to go through, I'm excited that either way things are moving in a new direction. She can't keep suppressing her feelings forever. Admitting feelings can be so difficult but afterwards its so freeing knowing that you're not holding anything back and being honest with yourself. I'm looking forward to the growth this will bring all of the characters.
Anonymous said:I just caught up to new rules and wow as someone who experienced a heartbreak that I never want to go through again THAT SHIT HURTED I felt the emotions of the o/c yelling at jungkook out of frustration and anger highkey wish I could’ve confronted the person that I had a relationship with in that manner yk to get it out of the system I think that way the healing is a faster process because you aren’t having an internal dialogue of what you could’ve said etc wow thank you for writing new rules! x
Anonymous said:I love the new NR chapter! It definitely hit home when you described how the OC felt after she got rejected. I love the end in this chapter. I love the OC's confrontation. I wish I could be a woman on a mission like her too. Yoongi's character got me namshooketh btw. I love how you added the lgbtq aspect into this fic. Everything about it is so realistic. And I love the gaslighting part in her confrontation so much! This is such a beautifully written fanfic. 😭❤
bekzzz said:You know what I really appreciate about New Rules. Mijoo and the Readers friendship. I love how they stuck together after everything. I also love how the reader is trying to reclaim her self esteem. I think calling Jungkook out was amazing for her. Also, maybe for him it will help him figure out his own feelings. Love is okay, being romantic is okay. It doesn't diminish masculinity or make someone weak. Thanks for this amazing update! Till next time.
Anonymous said:holy moly, new rules was eventful. i felt so much secondhand embarrassment when she was *rejected* by jk, and really hated nr jk for how he reacted... and then when oc, yerin and mijoo were together, and she felt like she needed to be the strong one. i really fucking felt that. it felt like a punch to the gut. but oc’s comments to jk really got me, and i have so much respect for her, yet pity her at the same time... as well as jk. thank you for the amazing update!! 😘 ly babe
Anonymous said:Dear god my heart was pounding all throughout that chapter lmao. How the heck you gotta get me so involved my body freaks out whenever you update New Rules? For real tho I feel for Yoongi- I know what it's like to have people be ready to ridicule and drop you for something you can't change about yourself, so that got me real good. I do hope that JK and MC are able to work themselves out they are by far one of the most interesting pairings I've read about thus far (praying for a happy ending)
Anonymous said:HOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD! I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS! Girl, you threw me for a loop. JK's reaction was pretty close to what I thought it would be, albeit more hostile which makes me so fucking curious like BABY WHO HURT YOU?!?!?! Yoongi turning Yerin down because he's gay just wow. I had zero inclination until the second he said it and the whole conversation was just gorgeous. And that final stomp into the frat house and speech were just glorious. Thank you my love
Anonymous said:first of all i want to thank you for the new chapter, it was such a surprise since you was so busy these past months so thank you for taking some time to write. now about the new chapter... my heart was beating so fucking fast the whole time, it’s amazing how well you’re able to express the feelings of the characters and make us all (well at least me) fell connected to the story. i’ve said this before, but the most amazing thing about nr (beside the plot & characters) is how relatable it is
Anonymous said:🎃(1) OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE AND AT SOME POINTS I AM not making any sense so be prepared 😥 💜💜 I hope I don't bore you /// Ok, here we go. ( /// means another scene or change of subject and --- means same scene but next line. Also I'll use the 🎃 emoji for Halloween's sake 😊) Damn that's gonna be so long 😥 oh well. /// Akakakakak first of all, great start! It lights up the heavy mood. And tbh who wouldn't get distracted from a half naked jk. 😏 ///
Anonymous said:🎃(2)Akskfhlskfajfkf I'm smiling. My heart is clenched tho. (I'm reading the kiss scene in the beginning) /// Why do I feel him saying I like you too won't be the way our oc means. My heart is confused. --- Fuck. --- Fuuuck... ///Ok, there's no way he would look at her with disgust. Come on giiirl. Don't fall for the lies our brain tells us. ---Ok, scratch that last. WHAT THE FUCK JEON JUNGKOOK. 😬 ----I wanna hug the oc and tell her that he is afraid and stupid for acting that way.
Anonymous said:🎃(3) That she is more than what she thinks. And like wtf he might be a star athlete and a stund but wtf about not being good enough?! Askfkddskkas. fuuck. //// You are not supposed to be fucking anything. Let it ouuut. They love you and it will help.--- Ok I get the point with it not being about you. (Ahahahahaha I'm on a roller coaster, sawrryyy) ---- Oh yaaaasss, I liiive for angry oc! You go guurl! ---- Well, if he is gay that would explain a lot. --
Anonymous said:🎃(4) ---"Trust me when I say that it would be entirely impossible with me" bruh. He is gay. --- Oh shit, he is gay...... 😶 ---- Now I'm sad. Ahahah and now I wanna hug him too . And I love the oc for being a good friend and I love that he reminds me of one of my closest friends being a tsundere.😢 /// Way to go yoongles, woop woop!! that sonofabiish. 🌚🌚---Wow when yoongi relaxed I realised I was holding my breath. Wtf ahahaha
Anonymous said:🎃(5) /// Aish. I'm getting angry at jk and angry at the oc for taking his bullshit and not being angry ahahah. ----- WHAT THE FUCK JEON KUNGKOOK WHY YOU BEING SO "TOUGH" AND "MANLY" YOU FUCKIN FUCKER 👿 (about him smiling at first and then being fake macho) ----- My eyes grew when you wrote she headed to jk frathouse 👀 --- I'm crossing my fingers for a buttkicking session, sth like mijoo did to the oc. Maybe a power point presentation of why he likes her too. Ahahah ---
Anonymous said:Ooo girl I am FIRED UP. You write so well that I can always fell the emotions OC feels. I was sad and hurt, shocked, and really mad. JK is such an asshole for making OC feel like her feelings weren't valid. He really does need to grow up. Good on OC for realizing that. And I don't know why he's putting up such a front when he's been such a good person thus far but BITCH IT BEST BE A GOOD REASON. So I'm assuming yerin has got the bad ending? Bc she doesn't know about yoongi being gay n shes hurt?
Anonymous said:(1/3🧟♂️) New Rules is probably my favorite non-published work that I’ve ever read and I really just want to thank you for being willing to share your writing with us! So, I feel like a lot went down in this chapter. I saw another anon say they thought Jk’s issues stemmed from a previous relationship. The girl probably made him feel like relationships in general are toxic, and as a result he’s completely unwilling to put himself in that kind of vulnerable position again? (1/3)
Anonymous said:(2/3🧟♂️) Similar to how the oc is feeling about being rejected, like she was stupid to let herself feel something for him, that’s why I think her barging in and calling him out in front of his friends got to him. (2/3)
Anonymous said:(3/3🧟♂️) All in all though, this chapter was really well written (like they all are lol) and I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I appreciate all the work you put into your writings bc they’ve really inspired me to educate myself on feminism and just a lot of things in general I’d never thought about before. Thanks again, Lu! I hope you have a wonderful week 💜💜 (3/3)
Anonymous said:wow lu, thank you for the newest nr update! my thoughts on my first reading: jungkook's reaction was shocking for the emotional side of me, not the logical side. I still feel for oc tho. yoongi being gay? didnt expect that & now I feel bad for assuming his sexuality, glad he talked to OC abt it bc it must have been hard to hold that secret. oc calling out jungkook? shes much braver than me, & I agree, jk's actions seem off. will reread & send reactions after, again thank you for writing/sharing!
There is literally nothing i love more than reading your thoughts and reactions!!! i have no idea how my writing will affect others, so to hear this is the most rewarding thing ever. thank you so much my lovely, passionate readers. You mean the world to me!!!
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How to feed yourself cheaply when you live alone
It can be so frustrating and difficult to get used to living by yourself. Apparently cabinets don’t come magically stocked with spices and you have to buy things??? with money???? So here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way along with some links to other great posts that have information along this subject too.
1. Secretly assassinate a relative and collect inheritance
2. Find a sugar daddy
If 1 and 2 are options then the rest of this post is worthless to you, if they are not options, keep reading.
Your first visit to the grocery store Buckle up because it’s going to be the most expensive one
You need to stock your kitchen since you are not a roach and can’t just eat the wooden cabinets. Every kitchen should have some combination of the “basics” which will be your non-perishable pantry items-those things that your parents house seemingly never runs out of.
The Basics
-Rice -Pasta (+any other grains you might like such as couscous, wheat berries etc.) -Flour -Sugar -Brown sugar (if you’re into baking like I am) -Baking Soda -Baking powder -Spices (for example, cumin, cayenne, oregano, basil, paprika, etc.) -Salt and pepper -Oats -Boullion or cans of stock -Cans of soup/packets of ramen -Coffee/tea
I suggest you buy these kinds of items in bulk if possible. If you have the space to store them, they will last you forever and items like these can make a meal that is supposed to be 1-2 servings into somethings thats 4-6 which I’ll explain later. Also, buying in bulk is cheaper per pound/100 grams (whatever system you’re using) so in the long run, you’ll save lots of money by buying one fat ass sack of rice a year instead of 15 every few weeks. Check your area for bulk stores, places that sell spices and grains by the weight. This will save you cash and can be more eco-friendly if you’re able to use your own bags/containers.
Tips for meals
It is so much cheaper to cook a larger amount of food at a time than making something for each individual meal. This is because for the most part, you can’t buy ingredients sufficient for one serving at the grocery store and you don’t want to buy something you’ll only use once and then the rest goes bad and bye-bye money. Making a meal that will last you 3-4 days is not only cheaper, but also saves time since after the initial cooking, all you have to do is reheat a little at a time later. You can take this a step further and use grains like rice, pasta and couscous to “cut” the food thereby doubling the amount of servings you have. Below are some really easy recipes that I use that last me days.
Things you can make at home for cheap
HUMMUS! Bc it’s a great snack, filling, healthy and is stupid expensive at the store and stupid cheap and easy to make.
-1 can of garbanzo beans -2 T of tahini (you can leave this out if you want, tahini can be expensive) -1 T lemon juice -1 clove of garlic, minced -Cumin, paprika, salt, pepper
Literally throw it all in a food processor and blend. If it’s too thick, you can add more olive oil or save some of the water from the beans and add that as well. If you do that, less salt will need to be added. If you use dried beans that you’ve soaked and shit you will need more salt.
If you don’t have a food processor, you can heat the beans up and smash it by hand, it’s more effort and it may be chunkier but it works. Same goes for immersion blenders.
Fun ways to shake this hummus up
-Roasted Red pepper: Chop 1/3 C of roasted red pepper and add. Replace some of the olive oil with some of the juice from the pepper jar.
-Roasted Garlic: Instead of mincing a garlic clove, expose the head of the garlic (lol) and rub with a little olive oil, making sure it gets into the cracks (lol). Wrap in foil and roast at 400 degrees (~200 C) for 30-35 minutes. Garlic should be nice and soft when it’s done. Roasted garlic is sweet instead of biting like raw garlic so using a whole head is okay and you won’t die when you eat it.
-Artichoke heart+black olive: Chop up one can of artichoke hearts with however many chopped black olives as you would like
-Pesto: Add in at least one tablespoon of pesto
Now the question is, how do I eat my hummus and the answer is, there’s actually a billion ways
-Put it on a sandwich or wrap! -Dip celery, cucumber, carrots, peppers in it! -Eat it with pretzels or tortilla chips OR if you’re a cheap bastard like me, make your own tortilla chips by cutting up some tortilla rounds, brushing them with olive oil, sprinkling them with salt and bake at 350 for 10ish minutes. I usually put mine into the oven right when I turn it on and pull them out when the oven is preheated bc I can’t be bothered to actually figure out a proper cooking time. Whatever, this is way cheaper than buying chips and they’re more filling. You can also make tortillas, it’s cheap and simple, I find they taste better, but it is slightly time consuming. Here’s a recipe. -Eat it with a spoon wgaf you live alone no judgement.
Coffee Creamer
Hell yes you can make this at home. The basic is about 1 3/4 cup of milk (whatever kind of milk, the more fat in the milk the creamier the creamer) and 14oz of sweetened condensed milk. You can also add in a few drops of any sort of extract/honey or some sprinkles of cinnamon/nutmeg whatever suits your fancy! Here is a bunch of variations. Also put 1/4 of a teaspoon of cinnamon per cup of coffee in with your coffee grounds in the filter for a cinnamon scented coffee.
Popcorn
Well, we all knew this one. But honest to god it is so much cheaper and healthier to pop popcorn using a bag of kernels than it is to buy a box of microwave popcorn. Just pour some oil and a tablespoon of butter into a large pan, add the popcorn and cook covered over medium heat. As soon as the kernels start to pop make sure you start jiggling the pan to keep them moving so they don’t burn and ruin your pan. I’m pretty sure you can put the kernels in a paper bag in the microwave too. Throw salt on it, or even cinnamon and sugar cuz why not.
RULES FOR GROCERY SHOPPING
1. buying in bulk saves
2. Don’t buy in bulk if you can’t use it all before it expires-like yeast! Most expiration dates are pretty generous and you can actually continue using the product beyond the date (this amount of time varies, please for your own safety please google it). Yeast is the only food I know of that is true to its expiration.
3. Avoid superstores when possible. Most of the time, you’re paying for the convenience. Superstores are often more expensive because you’re paying for the convenience of doing all your shopping in one place.
4. Ethnic markets are almost always cheaper-especially for trendy things like Coconut oil (so cheap at indian food markets!!) Find Chinese, Arabic, Indian, Mexican food markets around you and split up your shopping accordingly.
5. MAKE YOUR OWN BREAD, it can be very easy. Google it.
6. Off brand is just as good as the rest
7. Coupons, grab them in the front of the store if available
8. Just because something is a good deal doesn’t mean you have to buy it. I don’t care if orange juice is on sale, I don’t drink a lot of orange juice. You know what’s cheaper than something being 50% off? Not buying it at all. It costs $0.00 to be smart.
9. Don’t make grocery shopping a habitual thing. By that I mean don’t go grocery shopping every Sunday or whatever. Go grocery shopping when you need to go grocery shopping. If it’s been a week but you can wait 4 more days, wait 4 more days.
10. Don’t buy fresh herbs, grow them. A packet of seeds is cheap. Plastic pots are cheap. Potting soil can be cheap if you can find a place where you can buy by the weight instead of a massive bag. Plant the seeds according to the packet. Things like basil need to be watered often. Things like rosemary and thyme are okay chilling a couple of days without it. Read the packets and google it. Also it’s so rewarding to watch your little baby plants grow. An herb garden costs $10 dollars at the most to make. Fresh herbs at the grocery store cost $2-6 per package. Fresh herbs make meals taste a million times better I swear to god it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Growing herbs also helped me with my depression so bonus.
11. If shopping at a super store, as much as possible stay out of the “middle”. What I mean is, things you buy should come from the sections closest to the wall-these include the produce, meat, dairy and frozen vegetables. All the processed foods are in the middle and though some can be cheap, they’re not filling and you end up buying them a lot. Doing things like making your own hummus can keep you out of the middle aisles and it’s healthier. Things from the middle you may need though are tea, ramen, grains, soup, peanut butter.
12. Plan your trip. Thoroughly look through your fridge and cabinets to see what you’re out of. I even keep a little white board on my fridge where I write what’s in the fridge and what’s run out. Write down what needs to be replaced/what you need for the next couple of meals. Do not stray from the list when shopping.
13. Go to Marshalls or Winners or whatever equivalent for things like olive oil, K cups if you have a Keurig (oh fancy fancy) and cool pink salt. They also have other kinds of oils like sunflower and avocado, and even sometimes protein powders. It’s way cheaper there and you can buy a liter sized bottle of olive oil for like 7 dollars when it would cost at least twice that at a grocery store.
14. Do not have the same grocery list every week. Prices of things change, your list should reflect that. If you’re wanting to get some sort of fruit for a snack, don’t get apples every week. Get whatever is in season. The prices of fresh produce in stores and markets will reflect what’s in season (i.e. the cheapest things). Lucky for us Bananas are always in season and are a super cheap snack that people forget about. I often wait until they’re ripe, cut them up and freeze them to make smoothies.
15. Don’t be afraid of tofu. It’s cheap as hell and once you learn how to prepare it, can be a fantastic substitute for animal proteins if meat/fish are too expensive.
16. Don’t forget, so many foods can be frozen. If something is crazy on sale, don’t be afraid to buy more than usual if you are able to freeze it. Here’s a list of things that can be frozen. TBH here, in Canada, I buy those big 3L bags of milk and store the little baggies in the freezer.
Finally, go to Goodwill stores and thrift shops to find kitchen appliances, dishes, and cookware for cheap! The best 7 dollars I ever spent was on a crock pot. These stores have so many items that last FOREVER, like a good pan, or a classic cafeteria. Don’t think you can’t cook because you can’t afford the equipment. Kitchen equipment doesn’t have to be a huge investment.
That’s all I have for today. Good luck out there guys.
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Holy Update: April 11th 2022
wow. where to even begin. well we have moved since the last time i was on here. Josh and i now live in Hanover , PA in a townhouse. we”ve been here for a few years now actually. I also had a whole ass baby. we welcomed Joseph James Allen on March 24th, 2021. My beautiful baby boy and reason to live. He is absolutely perfect. we actually just celebrated his 1st birthday a few weeks ago and it was perfect. he loved every moment of it. its so amazing to watch him grow and find himself and learn new things. he has 100% changed me. and i love every minute of it. Josh and i also recently got engaged... its about time lol! work wise, ive went from working with dad to working at burlington to that being a fucking joke and going back to work with dad. lol. josh is still working at walmart. currently he is the OGP coach for the Fredrick store. also he is currently away for work training. so he is actually down in Winchester , VA right now. which sucks. i hate being with out him like this. he is such my home and safe place that when he is gone like this everything just feels very thrown off and weird. but i have joey here with me today to help keep me company. tomorrow i should be back to work but dads truck is currently out of commission so idk whats gonna happen. apparently he like wrecked it out into a embankment trying to avoid rear-ending someone. im not sure. the whole thing so far as been very strange so no clue lol. all i know is the truck is out of commission and waiting on Roger from Reese’s to pick it up and figure out whats wrong with it. I no longer have my jeep. when i had joey, dad took the jeep back and gave me his little Mazda mini van so i could haul all 3 kids if need be. but ive had so many issues with the mini van because its a 2003 aka OLD AS FUCK. like the end of 2021 begining of 2022 i was having this issue where the car would start to overheat and be SMOKING. like cool. thats fun. not scary at all. so we’ve dumped a shit ton of money into it at this point and its just not worth it anymore. like its old. honestly i need something newer but that shits expensive and aint no one got the funds for that. also in world news. we have been going through a “pandemic” the past 2-3 years. honestly im not sure how long its been at this point. it feels like forever. but its the covid19 bullshit. although im pretty sure we are on like covid 24 by now. they keep coming out with new strains and shit so idk. youre supposed to get vaccinated for this shit but i refuse. i dont believe in this shit. i think its a money thing or a population control thing.idk but most definately a bullshit thing. the whole Country has been in and out of quarentines and face mask mandates. im just so over it. i want normal shit back. normal life. honestly its all a big political joke. so once the goverment gets there shit sorted out it should go away. whenever the fuck that may be. ive been trying my hardest to keep my mental in check which is easier said then done. i stopped taking my meds while i was pregnant with joey and continued to stay off of them until probably 6 months after he was born. and then i just couldnt do it anymore. the amount of mental bullshit i went through in a day was draining and not helpful to a new mom. so i went back on the meds. but not as high. im only at 50 mg which does help me but boy if i miss 1 day.. that shit fucks me up. and ill spend the rest of the week trying to recover. i’ve also been writing in a journal for for probably about a month or so which is helpful. im trying lol some days are super easy and some days i struggle like no other. but thats mental health right??
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Dear Charlie,
Hi Charlie
I used to write to you all the time when I was 14 and 15, but then I stopped. I probably got lazy and I also liked seeing what I wrote be published in the days that followed and maybe you got too popular but I no longer saw them, maybe they got lost. Anyway, Im 19 now and little has changed. Looking back is so strange because it feels like there is myself and this sweet little kid who was just so fucked up so early on and I just watch her existence and its so clear no one will be able to ever save her and she may not even have the strength to do so for herself because thus far she hasn’t really changed things that could possibly make a difference. I mean Im out of high school now and have a job so in that sense Im more functioning then the last 6 years but nothing has really changed, its still me and that girl. I have tried hard not to victimize myself in the past few months and think Im doing well but honestly I miss being sad, I miss not feeling anything, I miss feeling everything, I miss being crazy, I miss cutting myself so much. I can’t do any of these things anymore because there seems to be no time for that. Not actual “time” but I can’t afford to keep being depressed because now Im older and if I don’t have some good experience or something good, actually good happen to me then I might lose it completely. I miss being a victim and don’t know how Im supposed to not be one when my life has gone to way it has. I cannot help it. I miss being myself so much. I can’t cut because every things pretty healed up now and I can’t wear long sleeves all the time again but I do miss it so much, Ive cut my leg a few times but its not the same. I don’t care if people think cutting is insane it made me so calm like how being in a still ocean feels. I saw this movie that reminded me of my life, especially when I ws younger today, and then I was listening to some Elliot Smith a little bit ago and now Niravana, all 15 year old me things, or maybe forever me things I guess. Anyway, it reminds me of feeling all the pain. Its so rare I can feel everything the way I used too. Not that I always wanted to feel it, because I certainly tried hard not too and eventually started to exceed more and more. Anyway, I don’t see a therapist anymore because my last two were kind of shitty. I guess Iv done an ok job at distracting myself so far since the summer but its all still coverage and i feel myself cracking a bit. However now that Im not in school it doesn’t have to be a spiral maybe it will just hit all at once. I mean I guess thats how it always is but usually theres more of a build when I was in school. It was easy to tell I was about to lose it because It was a decent amount. I was just thinking how fucking crazy it was I was never in a hospital because I was so so so fucked up sometimes. SO suicidal and impulsive and it truly was just me and I would just stop the bleeding and go on with my day because it was all so normal.I guess a part of me now wishes I had gone to a mental hospital because 1. i needed it very badly but no one was there to say that and 2. back to the victim shit, god I would have eaten that shit up when people found out I was there. It also would have made explaining all this shit (when and if I ever do which is super rare bc who ever wants to here about this shit) a little easier in the sense that everyone takes you more seriously when you say hospital in a sentence. Im sorry this is so long, Im sure I strayed from my original thought. Also I’m really slowly lowering my antidepressant and I doubt that could be why Iv been feeling weird lately and by weird I mean feeling anything at all especially like the way I used too or closer to it at least but I wonder if being without the meds especially the mood stabilizer would make me manic again like right deep were i have been, I mead if the meds are all that make me function that sucks. Id like to feel again, kind of often even the painful stuff because it feels good to know I’m alive. because it feels like i have never been a lot of the time. I miss being me, whatever that was. No one liked that girl anywhow, so i have to be the somewhat funny, reserved, somewhat positive me now, even though thats not me full and will never be. Im not sure, truly honestly not sure if I will ever get over thing things that have happened to me but I guess people don’t and you just keep living, like you said, life doesn’t stop for anyone. I love you Charlie and I miss you.
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hi i love your art style! and your dnd characters are so cute, can you tell me more about them?
!! thank you, im glad you enjoy them ´ v`
Misko Kiirasilmä was my first ever ttrpg character, a wizard made in Age of the Tempest. I… didnt really expect him to become a serious character he sort of started as a walking bear joke (his name essentially means bear bear, etc), but currently hes like my #1 dearest child. He was a herbalist/healer before he briefly got into the adventuring business, hes caring, fiercely protective of those around him and very outgoing, to a point some would consider it annoying. Hes also got a husband and a kid :3c
Kalmari…. is definitely not a serious character. He was made for a one-off sci-fi comedy game in Risus. Hes s squid, technically his name is Humboldt (unrelated to the other squid called humboldt i drew a while ago, im just shit at coming up with names on the spot so i went with the easy one) but i guess thats more a surname and everyone just calls him Kalmari. Hes an old space pirate, a struggling author and a conspiracy/UFO theorist (yes, even though the game takes place in space with literal aliens). Hes a bit cranky and takes himself and his job very seriously.
Amar Das is a mechanic from India, made for a victorian fantasy-steampunk campaign in Savage Worlds. In the game hes kinda freelancing for a branch of englands secret service in charge of the more… out there cases with supernatural elements or like, villain technology (?? idklmao), but he served in the army as an airship mechanic for a few years before that. And he REALLY loves machinery and airships especially. Hes not super sociable but is very driven and a “im going to fucking do this” type of person, and like, super hardy. If Miskos thing was bears Amars would be staying alive, his name means immortal/undying, his two edges are about ignoring wound penalties to rolls and he survived losing his right arm in an accident during his army days. But now he has a sweet robot arm he helped build.
Morris Grey is a fighter and actually the only character ive made in D&D. Hes from a baker family but didnt inherit the business and chose to join the town guard, but he ended up fucking up so bad (somebody ended up dead? idk man) he was p much like welp time to fake my own death and leave forever out of guilt and shame. Since then hes worked as a personal body guard etc and generally do good stuff while travelling to make himself feel somewhat useful and less awful. Hes Tired™ and kinda has a resting bitch face and likes to keep things as simple as possible. what an edgelord
Rasmus is an elf ranger made in Dungeon World, and hes like two weeks old so theres not that much ive figured out about him yet but heres some stuff. Hes the happy-go-lucky, yay adventure type, his main motivation being to see cool and dangerous places for the thrill and wonder of it. Ive called him an extreme tourist a couple times, because he also wants to keep a record of his travels in the form of sketches he carries with him in an album. Hes got a fox companion called Pihlaja (’rowan’) who helps him in combat etc, although shes getting a bit old and forgetful. One bit i liked was when rasmus missed a shot which she was supposed to follow she sort of went “uuhhh what do i do, did we go through this scenario in training?”
also absolutely nobodys straight ∠( ᐛ 」∠)_ (including the squid ig i… havent thought about that much)
thank u for lovely message, hope this wasnt too long or dull writing isnt my strong suit
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